What did I do?

Have you ever sat back and asked the question “What did I do to cause this reaction?” regarding a situation or someone that just blew up at you? I know I have. I used to wonder why my ex-husband would get so angry at me for what seemed so small to me. I do not mean just yelling or not speaking to me. This is to the point of name calling, punching a whole in the wall, or even breaking something I treasured or that was of value in our home. It baffled me and also scared me. Not until I left the situation and started going to a support group did I understand that, granted I may have done something to upset my ex-husband but the reaction was not warranted. If we were mature adults we could have talked through the situation and been able to come to a resolution. However, that was not the case and it always boiled down to who was right and who was wrong. Most of the times I conceded as the wrongful party, since I could not deal with the harshness of his anger and wanted to make it all “go away”.

After deciding to leave my marriage for peace, I crossed my paths with other men who had similar ways of handling conflict. I was beginning to see a pattern and was wondering what I needed to do to change the attraction I was giving off that drew these same types of abusive men towards me. Recently, I found I had befriended a male that had the same tendencies but did not recognize the traits before becoming too involved. Due to there being no pursuit of a relationship on either part, my guard was down as I did not feel a need to be watchful. However, just because you are not pursuing a romantic relationship does not mean that friendships will not be abusive. “Friends” can take advantage of you as well, especially if they know your character, i.e. what it takes to appease you when they have done something wrong until the coast is clear and they can do their dirt again.

We had a confrontation that eventually erupted into us not speaking to each other. I kept wondering what I possibly had done to cause such a rift between my friend and I; similarly to how I used to sit and wonder what I did to make my ex-husband so angry at me. My support therapist noticed that I kept mentioning “I wonder what I did wrong”. She brought it to my attention and posed the question, “what makes you think you did something wrong?” After that question, I realized that I was going back to my married days of trying to figure out what I had done to “cause” my husband’s anger. I immediately was thinking this was something I caused singly without any participation from the other party. The blame was placed solely on my shoulders by me because I try so hard to be a pleasant person who has no issues with anyone.

I had to remember that no matter what I do, I will not always be someone’s friend. Someone will always have an issue with me and I will not always be liked because you cannot please all people all of the time. I had to be reminded of this because it was something I struggled with as a child. I struggled trying to please everyone and take care of everything. I wanted to help everyone that I could. Instead of knowing my own worth and having others prove they are worthy of being in my space, I was trying desperately to make them see I was worthy of their time, their love.

Since leaving my ex-husband I have come to see my worth. The value I contribute to this world is unique and wonderful. I do not need to fret or worry about someone not wanting to have anything to do with me, because not everyone is qualified to participate in the uniqueness that is me. All will not be able to appreciate who I am and the value I bring. Those that do will treasure it and not want to abuse my value as they realize it can be taken away. I realize I have that power to revoke the invitation to sample my value if not being treated as I should be. That feels so good knowing my worth. Do you know yours?

Blog 03/09/10 Self-Perception

What is your self-perception? Do you have a clear and positive image of yourself? Are you confident in ALL that you do? Do you seek the approval of others? How do you view love?

Well, I recently came to the realization that I was still burying pain from long, long ago. I thought that my newfound happiness and freedom were what was needed to boost me past all that hurt, pain, and frustration. I also thought the newfound possible life partner I believe God directed to me was a sure sign I was ready. I for the longest had suffered from not having confidence in myself and being extremely shy. I am now more outgoing and outspoken than I used to be.

However, I am still struggling with the negative thoughts that come to my mind like: “I can’t do this”, “I wish I could…”, or “I am not able to finish because….” Deep down I know that I can accomplish these things but I psyche myself out negatively. Sometimes when I need to fill out applications that seem daunting, I procrastinate on completing them because it “appears” time consuming. I allow myself to be defeated before I even start.

I also found that from long ago I sought out the approval of others as a form of love. My assumption was if they approved of me then they loved me. I would avoid conflict with a passion. That is the main reason why my ex-husband has been able to get away with all of the stuff he has gotten away with.

It all stemmed from not having the consistent love I desired from my mother and father. I essentially grew up by myself with siblings who didn’t know me.  They now my characteristics but not what makes me tick.  I am now coming into my own understanding of whom I am, where I came from, and where I am going. I am now appreciating my life lessons and coming to terms with the way I grew up. It was a hard road coming to the realization that something in me was still broken. But I am thankful to God for revealing the part in me that still needed to be cut (or circumcised as the Israelites did at Gilgal in Joshua Ch. 5).

With this realization I can now be true to myself especially with the feelings I was experiencing when I was ready to share my love with someone and was not getting the feedback I wanted. I would be sitting there wondering why the people I wanted to love did not want to love me and why I was attracting these negative thinking people who seemed to bring me down and drain my energy. I stayed away from most of those people and cut ties with them. However, I didn’t TELL them I was cutting ties. I just stopped calling and gave the excuse that I was extremely busy and have not had time to chat. I mean this in part was true. I am EXTREMELY busy with activities for the boys and getting myself together. But I could pick up the phone and call people if I need to or remembered to.

I believe now I can continue to love myself and the boys and allow a genuine love to grow and not worry if I will run my friend away with my quirks. Honestly, if my quirks run him away then it was not meant to be in the first place. I can sit back and evaluate my life in a manner that scrutinizes the negativity and relish in the positive. I am happy to be able to court and have a deep love mature and grow with him. I did not want to rush into anything or try to make something happen because “I” felt like it was the thing to do like I did with my ex-husband. I want to take my time and allow things to progress naturally with God working behind it, in front of it, and through it. My place is to be obedient to His direction and Will because I love God and want to be pleasing to Him.

I am about to embark on a new journey in the land of Juanica. There are places never before seen. I am revisiting places that have long ago been forgotten or that I have recently visited but didn’t observe all there was to see. I am so excited to be breaking through to the new me. What a time I am going to have!!! I am already having a great time experiencing some of the depths of understanding that were hidden before. My eyes are no longer shut wide open but OPEN WIDE. I have a new discernment of myself and of God and His desires for me that I had never experienced.

I hope and pray that I continue to grow from these revelations and to gain new ones. I am working on no longer being afraid of others and their opinions of me. That is one of the items I am circumcising from my life. I went through an outward transformation as well as a superficial inward transformation last year. Now I am tackling a deeper subcutaneous inward transformation. God is reconfiguring me even more. This year I definitely am BREAKING THROUGH TO A NEW ME!

Distractions written 2/01/10

I have been so focused on my goals but as of late a distraction has come in and flipped my life upside down. Well several distractions really. The first is that my ex is not picking up the kids even though he is in town. He visits them while they’re in school and only for a few minutes. I am going to ask the school to see what I can do to limit him from doing this. It causes so much confusion and animosity. I had to hold my baby (he's 4) while he was crying his eyes out because his daddy won’t pick him up. I keep forgetting how strong I really am. I was the matriarch in my home. I took care of so much and was not appreciated for it, much like at my old job. I had so many responsibilities there but they constantly told me I wasn’t good enough to be promoted. I was beaten down and trying so hard to prove that I was worthy. Not to mention that I lacked confidence in my own abilities and was so stressed I faultered in areas I knew I was competent in. My husband did the same thing. Just beat me down emotionally and all my ambitions he tried to talk me out of doing because he didn’t want me to realize my potential.

I did soooo much at home and then I was beating myself up because I could not keep my home clean the way I wanted it to look nor maintain control over my kids’ behaviors when they were in school. They had no fear of me or their dad. Well there was some from Cevi but none for Jordan. Our home was chaotic at best.

Now, I am focusing on accomplishing some dreams that God wants me to pursue and I am so excited for them. Unfortunately, I was allowing my longing for a lasting relationship to cloud my thinking and focus. My attention was being diverted because I was trying to “help” my love life come around. I was trying to cause things to be the way I want them to be but I had forgotten that I need to wait on God’s timing. He will make things work according to how I am ready to handle them. Or it may be the other person who is not able to handle it yet.

I have to remember it is not just around my circumstances that things will unfold but other people’s circumstances are in play as well. It brings to mind the story by Pastor Jim Laffoon regarding the baby (John the Baptist) promised to Elizabeth and Zechariah. They were barren for so long even though they were righteous people. But Mary who was supposed to birth Jesus was not ready to bear children and also up to a certain point wasn’t even born yet. That sermon helps put me in place sometimes when I get too anxious about things. I need to listen to it again to help me stay focused.

I guess the reason why I am so distracted by the relationship thing is that I met a really nice guy who has all the qualities I am looking for and a great personality that I vibe well with. My kids have met him and like him as well. Just the timing is horrible. He lives over an hour away so it’s not very easy to visit with him. So my patience has and is being put to the test. One thing I have to remember is that it’s only been a month or a little over a month since meeting him in person (we chatted several months before he came home from fighting overseas). I guess I was expecting it to be instant. I was only thinking of myself and being selfish by not thinking of his situation or circumstances that he is facing.

I must realize that I am a special lady and any one will be VERY fortunate to have me in their life. And I am not being haughty just recognizing my worth. I also must realize that if I put other things ahead of my assigned goals by God that it will not work or there will be unneccesary heartache. Or worse I will lose sight of my goals and not hear the Holy Spirit directing or guiding me. And I definitely don’t need that to happen.