Not Easily Broken

blog written 3/21/10
Tonight I watched the movie Not Easily Broken. Oh my goodness that movie had me in tears. Not only for the death of the little boy but because it had me see the type of husband I wish I had, which was someone who was willing to work ON our marriage instead of just constantly telling me what I am not doing right and putting me down. He constantly called me out of my name which last week I found out was a sin. I didn’t even know that.

Every time I wonder if I should go back to him because I want to be married again, I get a reminder of what my married life was like from beginning to end. There was not a honeymoon period where EVERYTHING was beautiful and lovely. No, instead of a bed of roses I had a bed of thorns. I hated my life and wanted to die. I even tried at one point when Cevi was only a few months old. I had so much pain inside. I think my mom was right. It’s going to take quite a bit of time to heal from those wounds. It saddens me to see people go through divorce. I was saddened by the prospect that I needed to get one. I wanted my life to be happy, loving, and long. Boy, what a complete opposite.

I often wondered if my motives were just in wanting my divorce. Was I doing it to actually help myself heal from the pain or did I just want to be free to be with someone else without cheating? I would have to say it was a little bit of both. I needed to get away from JC to have a clear head without the constant games and trickery. He was very good at that, causing confusion and such.

I don’t miss him in the least bit really. Often I would think to myself "what if I went back to him?" but I cannot imagine myself with him. I really can’t. There is no foreseeable future with him. I cannot even imagine his face or his body any longer. Hearing his voice is bothersome or even trying to have a conversation is tiring. I just hear the selfishness in his voice only thinking of himself and what he thinks he can get away with.

I sometimes wonder if what I feel towards my friend is real or imagined. Is it something I want it to be? Am I even seeing clearly? Do I want to be in a relationship so badly that I am clinging to just anyone? Well I would have to say no on that one because I have turned down several men that have shown an interest in me. There were some characteristics that I just could not get past. One example was the complainer (until now I did not realize how that reminded me of my ex). He complained about his ailments ALL the time (his mom was like that as well). Then there was one who talked A LOT. Always had an answer for everything about what I need to be doing and not to allow my past to control my future. Always talking about his loyalty. I could not put my finger on but it just did not feel right with him. Then there was the last one where I felt a closeness. Now he was very much like my ex with the competitive nature (too competitive). He was always trying to push me out of my comfort zone or talking about pushing me out of my comfort zone. He was a very handsome man but I felt drained whenever we were together. And being thought of as beautiful but also being demeaned at the same time just was not working for me. He also was a talker. I hardly was able to get a word in and then there was one moment where he barely talked and I would try to hold a conversation with him and it was VERY difficult.  I need balance and going from one extreme to the other is too much for me.  I had to deal with that with my ex.  There was no middle ground.

I was told that if there is anything that bothers you in the early stages of the relationship that it will be magnified when you are married. I looked at all of these different guys and was like "ummm I can’t tolerate any of those things getting more pronounced in our relationship". So what can I say about the last few that I still communicate with?  One guy makes no time to even be friends. Everything else takes precedence. That also goes for pretty boy. He has not come through yet to work on my car. He’s forgotten about me and everything. And I was a paying customr!  I mean really?

Last but not least there are two nice guys that have too many things going on with them. It’s like they have no direction, nothing going to get fired up about. I need someone that has ambitions and things he wants to accomplish. I guess that is why one of my "friends" is so appealing to me. However, I don’t know if maybe the time is not yet or what. He has become such a Houdini now. I never know whether he is coming or going. Now, it is like I have heard from and seen him for the last time. I miss him so but I am trying to turn my thoughts to God to strengthen me for the time when there will be three (me, him, and God) to develop a 3-strand cord.