What did I do?

Have you ever sat back and asked the question “What did I do to cause this reaction?” regarding a situation or someone that just blew up at you? I know I have. I used to wonder why my ex-husband would get so angry at me for what seemed so small to me. I do not mean just yelling or not speaking to me. This is to the point of name calling, punching a whole in the wall, or even breaking something I treasured or that was of value in our home. It baffled me and also scared me. Not until I left the situation and started going to a support group did I understand that, granted I may have done something to upset my ex-husband but the reaction was not warranted. If we were mature adults we could have talked through the situation and been able to come to a resolution. However, that was not the case and it always boiled down to who was right and who was wrong. Most of the times I conceded as the wrongful party, since I could not deal with the harshness of his anger and wanted to make it all “go away”.

After deciding to leave my marriage for peace, I crossed my paths with other men who had similar ways of handling conflict. I was beginning to see a pattern and was wondering what I needed to do to change the attraction I was giving off that drew these same types of abusive men towards me. Recently, I found I had befriended a male that had the same tendencies but did not recognize the traits before becoming too involved. Due to there being no pursuit of a relationship on either part, my guard was down as I did not feel a need to be watchful. However, just because you are not pursuing a romantic relationship does not mean that friendships will not be abusive. “Friends” can take advantage of you as well, especially if they know your character, i.e. what it takes to appease you when they have done something wrong until the coast is clear and they can do their dirt again.

We had a confrontation that eventually erupted into us not speaking to each other. I kept wondering what I possibly had done to cause such a rift between my friend and I; similarly to how I used to sit and wonder what I did to make my ex-husband so angry at me. My support therapist noticed that I kept mentioning “I wonder what I did wrong”. She brought it to my attention and posed the question, “what makes you think you did something wrong?” After that question, I realized that I was going back to my married days of trying to figure out what I had done to “cause” my husband’s anger. I immediately was thinking this was something I caused singly without any participation from the other party. The blame was placed solely on my shoulders by me because I try so hard to be a pleasant person who has no issues with anyone.

I had to remember that no matter what I do, I will not always be someone’s friend. Someone will always have an issue with me and I will not always be liked because you cannot please all people all of the time. I had to be reminded of this because it was something I struggled with as a child. I struggled trying to please everyone and take care of everything. I wanted to help everyone that I could. Instead of knowing my own worth and having others prove they are worthy of being in my space, I was trying desperately to make them see I was worthy of their time, their love.

Since leaving my ex-husband I have come to see my worth. The value I contribute to this world is unique and wonderful. I do not need to fret or worry about someone not wanting to have anything to do with me, because not everyone is qualified to participate in the uniqueness that is me. All will not be able to appreciate who I am and the value I bring. Those that do will treasure it and not want to abuse my value as they realize it can be taken away. I realize I have that power to revoke the invitation to sample my value if not being treated as I should be. That feels so good knowing my worth. Do you know yours?