Let Go and Let God

Today had a spectacular start. I woke up as usual, thanked God for allowing me to wake up and took the time to allow my body to wake up. I went into the bathroom to get the shower started for my youngest son when I heard his little voice speaking to me. It surprised me because I usually have to wake him up forcibly by tickling him or actually picking him up out his bed and standing him on his feet. (He’s a night owl. He would stay up all night if I allowed him too). Then he came and gave a big hug and kiss. Then we both said our “I love you’s”. What a way to start the day!!

Then while in the shower, the song Let Go and Let God by Keith “Wonderboy” Johnson. I love that song. Well, while singing the lyrics I realized I was still “worrying over how the story was going to end” regarding my oldest son who is now living with his dad. All times I have attempted to spend time with my son has been thwarted by my ex-husband. I have been worrying on what affect this is going to have on our relationship (between me and my son) and also with his brother. Not only was that my concern but also how my ex was not picking up the youngest son to spend time with him or allow him to stay overnight sighting that he had to work. So upon singing the song I told myself, I am not following the song I am singing. I have to let go so that God can handle it. I trust in him and know that he’s got everything under control even if I cannot see it.

Then I sent Jordan off to school and got myself prepared for work. As I looked down at my phone I saw I had a text message from my aunt. So I read it and wow! I was floored and started crying, saying thank you to God because in her text she told me not to worry about my ex but to put him in god’s hands and leave him there. The message said to trust God because He is all we need and that he does not want us to worry. I could not agree more.

That message was perfectly timed! Not only was I trying to work out the situation with my children but I also got laid off from work and as of next week will be out of a job. There is a plan mapped out but it is still scary to know that I will not have a reliable source of income for awhile. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and standing on faith that all will be as it should be. What I need will be provided. Now this does not mean I will be sitting at home on my behind. No! I will be working hard on other things I have wanted to pursue but my efforts will be paying off and be blessed. I trust that they will exceed my expectations!!!

What did I do?

Have you ever sat back and asked the question “What did I do to cause this reaction?” regarding a situation or someone that just blew up at you? I know I have. I used to wonder why my ex-husband would get so angry at me for what seemed so small to me. I do not mean just yelling or not speaking to me. This is to the point of name calling, punching a whole in the wall, or even breaking something I treasured or that was of value in our home. It baffled me and also scared me. Not until I left the situation and started going to a support group did I understand that, granted I may have done something to upset my ex-husband but the reaction was not warranted. If we were mature adults we could have talked through the situation and been able to come to a resolution. However, that was not the case and it always boiled down to who was right and who was wrong. Most of the times I conceded as the wrongful party, since I could not deal with the harshness of his anger and wanted to make it all “go away”.

After deciding to leave my marriage for peace, I crossed my paths with other men who had similar ways of handling conflict. I was beginning to see a pattern and was wondering what I needed to do to change the attraction I was giving off that drew these same types of abusive men towards me. Recently, I found I had befriended a male that had the same tendencies but did not recognize the traits before becoming too involved. Due to there being no pursuit of a relationship on either part, my guard was down as I did not feel a need to be watchful. However, just because you are not pursuing a romantic relationship does not mean that friendships will not be abusive. “Friends” can take advantage of you as well, especially if they know your character, i.e. what it takes to appease you when they have done something wrong until the coast is clear and they can do their dirt again.

We had a confrontation that eventually erupted into us not speaking to each other. I kept wondering what I possibly had done to cause such a rift between my friend and I; similarly to how I used to sit and wonder what I did to make my ex-husband so angry at me. My support therapist noticed that I kept mentioning “I wonder what I did wrong”. She brought it to my attention and posed the question, “what makes you think you did something wrong?” After that question, I realized that I was going back to my married days of trying to figure out what I had done to “cause” my husband’s anger. I immediately was thinking this was something I caused singly without any participation from the other party. The blame was placed solely on my shoulders by me because I try so hard to be a pleasant person who has no issues with anyone.

I had to remember that no matter what I do, I will not always be someone’s friend. Someone will always have an issue with me and I will not always be liked because you cannot please all people all of the time. I had to be reminded of this because it was something I struggled with as a child. I struggled trying to please everyone and take care of everything. I wanted to help everyone that I could. Instead of knowing my own worth and having others prove they are worthy of being in my space, I was trying desperately to make them see I was worthy of their time, their love.

Since leaving my ex-husband I have come to see my worth. The value I contribute to this world is unique and wonderful. I do not need to fret or worry about someone not wanting to have anything to do with me, because not everyone is qualified to participate in the uniqueness that is me. All will not be able to appreciate who I am and the value I bring. Those that do will treasure it and not want to abuse my value as they realize it can be taken away. I realize I have that power to revoke the invitation to sample my value if not being treated as I should be. That feels so good knowing my worth. Do you know yours?

Being Loved Blog written 3/16/10

I am diligently working on changing my habits to be a better person in Christ who strengthens me. I love Jehovah God and how He has just shown me his love. I love how Christ has surrounded me with love (not just from my children, family, or friends) and shown me that I am part of the congregation that is his bride. I am respected and loved for who I am. It is a good feeling to know this. It is the kind of love I was missing when I grew up without a father in the home. Some women and men have fathers in their home growing up and still miss out on this kind of love.

I no longer feel anxiety when I have not heard from my friend like I used to feel. I am confident in Christ that I am loved. Whether he is there to be with me or not, I am happy because I trust in God’s purpose for me. I know that he has something stored up just for me. I believe my friend was sent to me for a reason. I don’t know if he was for a season, or my lifetime. I am hoping he is for a lifetime. But if he was just to show me what I can have in a mate I can only imagine what that person is going to be like.

However, I must not allow anyone or thing to come in place of me worshipping God. I believe I had resorted to doing just that. I was slipping away from giving God all of my attention and giving it to my friend. I would think about him all the time when I should have been thinking about my heavenly Father. I would get angry when I hadn’t heard from him and then resort to thinking negatively. So in revelation, I was giving my worship to a relationship that hadn’t really developed yet. I am thankful to God for showing me the error of my ways. I just hope it hasn’t cost me some time out of the relationship I was supposed to have.

In closing I wonder how many of you are completely in love with yourself AND God. I don’t mean a narcissistic type love for you either or acknowledging that God IS. I mean a genuine understanding of you and your shortcomings as well as the talents and gifts that you are blessed with. And with that do you honor the creator who made you and give honor to him when you are performing with your gifts and talents?  Or do you say look at what "I" did or have done?

5/10/10 Gossip

The word gossip can cause so much havoc in people’s lives yet we still continue to do it. I don’t think many believe that they are doing wrong by what they do. I have been the victim of gossip many, many times. And at some instances I have been guilty of gossip myself. However, I learned lessons from it and make an effort to refrain from doing so. It can be very daunting at times especially when we as women are so emotional and love to communicate. I have found that I am worried about if what I am saying will get back to that person then I know I am partaking in gossip. Then it is up to me to correct what I am doing.

I have felt a need to declare some things to certain people in my life but have not done so because I was unsure if they would be receptive to what I had to say. So instead I have discussed my feelings about things to others. Mostly trying to see if what I am observing is valid and how to go about talking to that person about their behaviors or actions. But what good is it doing the person that is in the wrong or heading down a negative direction by me NOT telling them and only telling others? Not a thing. It is not benefiting them one bit. Therefore it is gossip.

However, after reading my morning scriptures and lessons for today, I realize that there are going to be people in this world that will have hardened hearts and deaf ears to the warnings we give to them. But we as Christians must deliver that message. I like the analogy provided this morning of a friend that is blindfolded headed for a 300-ft drop. Would we stand by and just allow that friend to continue walking on that cliff or will we try fervently with all our power to stop that friend and remove the blindfold from their eyes for them to see the danger that lay ahead of them? And not only does that analogy pertain to Gossip but any thing that they may be doing that will cause them ruin in the end.

On my vision board I have “Speak the Truth in Love”. That is what I must fall on about telling others about the issues surrounding them. Just like warning the friend of the 300ft drop, I must lovingly tell my people that I care about that the way they are walking is treacherous and will cause them pain in the end. But I don’t have to beat it into them or forcefully try to make them see my point (i.e. arguing with them.). However, I don’t need to be whispering the warning either so low that they can barely hear me. I must speak loud and clear enough for them to hear the warning and understand what is being said. Therefore, the guilt of their demise will not lie upon my heart because they were warned.

So in final: speak the truth in love and we as women (and some men) need to refrain from gossiping about others, for it is sinful. But lift each other up and encourage one another. As Christ commanded in Matthew 22:39 …,’Love your neighbor as yourself’.

Gratitude written 2/16/10

I had oral surgery today because of a botched root canal. I was hesitant to get this procedure done back when it was first recommended because I was afraid. Now 6 months later I am finally beginning the process. Unfortunately, if had I completed this process when I was first instructed that I would need to do this I would be getting prepared to have the implant and crown put in place instead of at the start. Alas, fear of the unknown; PROCRASTINATION, the cousin of fear. I am thankful now for having done this procedure because it is over with for the most part.

I had a counseling session yesterday and during the session it was made known to me that I am still being passive aggressive with the kids and with my ex as I am still allowing him to be a controlling manipulative jerk by coming to see the children at school instead of picking them up. I trust and believe that God will work through me to get the needed help we all need so that we may have peace in our home.

This time out of work due to my surgery and with the kids being in school has proven to be the much needed time of reflection I needed to be able to read God’s word and hear his direction. I am thankful for all of His timing including the words spoken to me by a church member. I am thankful for the people in my life (family and friends) that have prayed for me and are taking care of the things that I needed. I am thankful for the words of advice. I am especially thankful for the gift provided by Elaine during Christmas. That book has been profound in helping me develop spiritually.

I am thankful that I saw I was allowing myself to idolize the idea of being in a relationship and not focusing on God. I still have strong feelings for him but I have not been clamoring for him like I was. I know that God is the bigger ticket and that I need to focus on Him; not stress over my career, the kids, the restaurant, the modeling, me moving. None of that matters. Only HE matters. If I focus on Him, everything else will fall into place because His Holy Spirit will guide me where I need to be and what I need to do to gain all those things I mentioned above and then some. Thank you, God, for being so gracious and merciful. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and sending me little nudges. I thank you for me being able to hear although sometimes I hear him after he has placed me in darkness because I was not listening before hand. At least I am listening instead of waiting 10 years hoping things would get better instead of acting to make things better.

So what are you thankful for?