You know for years I thought I was being a Christian because I loved God and believed that Jesus Christ died for my sins, read the bible occasionally and prayed. However, it was not until a few years back that I realized this was only the surface of what it means to be a Christian. I have found that I was considered a baby in Christ’s eyes, slow to learn if you will. Not because I was unable to grasp the concept or had a learning problem but because I only came to Him when I was in pain and needed Him. Just like a baby needs milk to “pacify” the hunger pain in its tummy so did I come to God, pray, and read the bible.
I did not practice all the principals listed in the elementary part of the bible (the Old Testament). I also was not as humble as I had envisioned myself being. If I kept to myself and did not bother anyone I believed that I was being a Christian. I was entirely and completely wrong. Everything in the world was a distraction to me, my husband, the kids’ behavior in school, and my job issues. I did not know what it meant to worship him. Sure, I went to church but I had no desire in my heart to LEARN about what more he required of me. That was scary for me because if I knew then I would have to act accordingly. Ignorance is bliss. I was giving lip service without realizing it. Hatred was in my heart for others which in the New Testament is likened to killing someone which in the 10 commandments (Old Testament teaching) commands not to do. I was judgmental in some instances toward others, which I had no right to do.
Recently a situation arose in my life after coming to terms that I was in need and wanting to draw closer to God. I was learning to pray every day and more than once a day. Diligently reading my Bible was my goal but I still would become distracted by issues or people that came into my life. I was made to deal with conflict where before I used to shy away from. Now, I am becoming more emboldened about handling issues that arise. Case in point, I had a friend or who I thought was a friend that I helped out. Our relationship soured in a matter of weeks without rhyme or reason. I still to this day do not know what caused the tension to mount where we were no longer on speaking terms but I remember that people come into our lives for a reason whether it’s seasonal or a lifetime. This was definitely seasonal. It hurt but helped me to see where I was weak in my character and how to handle conflict better. I am no longer as timid to voice my thoughts nor afraid to admit if I was wrong.
I also learned which battles to fight and which to walk away from. Today I walked away from the final battle with my “friend”. I was asking for something to be returned to me which was agreed upon would be returned. A few days passed without anything showing up or communication so I sent a nice reminder with a note that I will not bother them any longer about the item. In return I got a not so nice accusatory reply regarding my kids and myself. So of course I automatically became heated and was ready to rip a reply that was going to encourage the fire. But just this morning I had prayed on my spiritual maturity and asking God to help me grow in my maturity in him. So instead of responding returning the accusations, I bid farewell and blessings. Then I deleted all connection, i.e. phone, text, etc because there is no need to continue allowing negativity in your life. People come into our lives for a reason and that person’s time in my life had expired. I was happy at how I responded even though it would have felt good (REALLY GOOD) to argue back or even find a way to retaliate. I chose not to do so and now the anger that welled in my heart is subsiding.
Showing posts with label negative. Show all posts
Showing posts with label negative. Show all posts
Monday, December 13, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Blog 03/09/10 Self-Perception
What is your self-perception? Do you have a clear and positive image of yourself? Are you confident in ALL that you do? Do you seek the approval of others? How do you view love?
Well, I recently came to the realization that I was still burying pain from long, long ago. I thought that my newfound happiness and freedom were what was needed to boost me past all that hurt, pain, and frustration. I also thought the newfound possible life partner I believe God directed to me was a sure sign I was ready. I for the longest had suffered from not having confidence in myself and being extremely shy. I am now more outgoing and outspoken than I used to be.
However, I am still struggling with the negative thoughts that come to my mind like: “I can’t do this”, “I wish I could…”, or “I am not able to finish because….” Deep down I know that I can accomplish these things but I psyche myself out negatively. Sometimes when I need to fill out applications that seem daunting, I procrastinate on completing them because it “appears” time consuming. I allow myself to be defeated before I even start.
I also found that from long ago I sought out the approval of others as a form of love. My assumption was if they approved of me then they loved me. I would avoid conflict with a passion. That is the main reason why my ex-husband has been able to get away with all of the stuff he has gotten away with.
It all stemmed from not having the consistent love I desired from my mother and father. I essentially grew up by myself with siblings who didn’t know me. They now my characteristics but not what makes me tick. I am now coming into my own understanding of whom I am, where I came from, and where I am going. I am now appreciating my life lessons and coming to terms with the way I grew up. It was a hard road coming to the realization that something in me was still broken. But I am thankful to God for revealing the part in me that still needed to be cut (or circumcised as the Israelites did at Gilgal in Joshua Ch. 5).
With this realization I can now be true to myself especially with the feelings I was experiencing when I was ready to share my love with someone and was not getting the feedback I wanted. I would be sitting there wondering why the people I wanted to love did not want to love me and why I was attracting these negative thinking people who seemed to bring me down and drain my energy. I stayed away from most of those people and cut ties with them. However, I didn’t TELL them I was cutting ties. I just stopped calling and gave the excuse that I was extremely busy and have not had time to chat. I mean this in part was true. I am EXTREMELY busy with activities for the boys and getting myself together. But I could pick up the phone and call people if I need to or remembered to.
I believe now I can continue to love myself and the boys and allow a genuine love to grow and not worry if I will run my friend away with my quirks. Honestly, if my quirks run him away then it was not meant to be in the first place. I can sit back and evaluate my life in a manner that scrutinizes the negativity and relish in the positive. I am happy to be able to court and have a deep love mature and grow with him. I did not want to rush into anything or try to make something happen because “I” felt like it was the thing to do like I did with my ex-husband. I want to take my time and allow things to progress naturally with God working behind it, in front of it, and through it. My place is to be obedient to His direction and Will because I love God and want to be pleasing to Him.
I am about to embark on a new journey in the land of Juanica. There are places never before seen. I am revisiting places that have long ago been forgotten or that I have recently visited but didn’t observe all there was to see. I am so excited to be breaking through to the new me. What a time I am going to have!!! I am already having a great time experiencing some of the depths of understanding that were hidden before. My eyes are no longer shut wide open but OPEN WIDE. I have a new discernment of myself and of God and His desires for me that I had never experienced.
I hope and pray that I continue to grow from these revelations and to gain new ones. I am working on no longer being afraid of others and their opinions of me. That is one of the items I am circumcising from my life. I went through an outward transformation as well as a superficial inward transformation last year. Now I am tackling a deeper subcutaneous inward transformation. God is reconfiguring me even more. This year I definitely am BREAKING THROUGH TO A NEW ME!
Well, I recently came to the realization that I was still burying pain from long, long ago. I thought that my newfound happiness and freedom were what was needed to boost me past all that hurt, pain, and frustration. I also thought the newfound possible life partner I believe God directed to me was a sure sign I was ready. I for the longest had suffered from not having confidence in myself and being extremely shy. I am now more outgoing and outspoken than I used to be.
However, I am still struggling with the negative thoughts that come to my mind like: “I can’t do this”, “I wish I could…”, or “I am not able to finish because….” Deep down I know that I can accomplish these things but I psyche myself out negatively. Sometimes when I need to fill out applications that seem daunting, I procrastinate on completing them because it “appears” time consuming. I allow myself to be defeated before I even start.
I also found that from long ago I sought out the approval of others as a form of love. My assumption was if they approved of me then they loved me. I would avoid conflict with a passion. That is the main reason why my ex-husband has been able to get away with all of the stuff he has gotten away with.
It all stemmed from not having the consistent love I desired from my mother and father. I essentially grew up by myself with siblings who didn’t know me. They now my characteristics but not what makes me tick. I am now coming into my own understanding of whom I am, where I came from, and where I am going. I am now appreciating my life lessons and coming to terms with the way I grew up. It was a hard road coming to the realization that something in me was still broken. But I am thankful to God for revealing the part in me that still needed to be cut (or circumcised as the Israelites did at Gilgal in Joshua Ch. 5).
With this realization I can now be true to myself especially with the feelings I was experiencing when I was ready to share my love with someone and was not getting the feedback I wanted. I would be sitting there wondering why the people I wanted to love did not want to love me and why I was attracting these negative thinking people who seemed to bring me down and drain my energy. I stayed away from most of those people and cut ties with them. However, I didn’t TELL them I was cutting ties. I just stopped calling and gave the excuse that I was extremely busy and have not had time to chat. I mean this in part was true. I am EXTREMELY busy with activities for the boys and getting myself together. But I could pick up the phone and call people if I need to or remembered to.
I believe now I can continue to love myself and the boys and allow a genuine love to grow and not worry if I will run my friend away with my quirks. Honestly, if my quirks run him away then it was not meant to be in the first place. I can sit back and evaluate my life in a manner that scrutinizes the negativity and relish in the positive. I am happy to be able to court and have a deep love mature and grow with him. I did not want to rush into anything or try to make something happen because “I” felt like it was the thing to do like I did with my ex-husband. I want to take my time and allow things to progress naturally with God working behind it, in front of it, and through it. My place is to be obedient to His direction and Will because I love God and want to be pleasing to Him.
I am about to embark on a new journey in the land of Juanica. There are places never before seen. I am revisiting places that have long ago been forgotten or that I have recently visited but didn’t observe all there was to see. I am so excited to be breaking through to the new me. What a time I am going to have!!! I am already having a great time experiencing some of the depths of understanding that were hidden before. My eyes are no longer shut wide open but OPEN WIDE. I have a new discernment of myself and of God and His desires for me that I had never experienced.
I hope and pray that I continue to grow from these revelations and to gain new ones. I am working on no longer being afraid of others and their opinions of me. That is one of the items I am circumcising from my life. I went through an outward transformation as well as a superficial inward transformation last year. Now I am tackling a deeper subcutaneous inward transformation. God is reconfiguring me even more. This year I definitely am BREAKING THROUGH TO A NEW ME!
Monday, May 10, 2010
5/10/10 Gossip
The word gossip can cause so much havoc in people’s lives yet we still continue to do it. I don’t think many believe that they are doing wrong by what they do. I have been the victim of gossip many, many times. And at some instances I have been guilty of gossip myself. However, I learned lessons from it and make an effort to refrain from doing so. It can be very daunting at times especially when we as women are so emotional and love to communicate. I have found that I am worried about if what I am saying will get back to that person then I know I am partaking in gossip. Then it is up to me to correct what I am doing.
I have felt a need to declare some things to certain people in my life but have not done so because I was unsure if they would be receptive to what I had to say. So instead I have discussed my feelings about things to others. Mostly trying to see if what I am observing is valid and how to go about talking to that person about their behaviors or actions. But what good is it doing the person that is in the wrong or heading down a negative direction by me NOT telling them and only telling others? Not a thing. It is not benefiting them one bit. Therefore it is gossip.
However, after reading my morning scriptures and lessons for today, I realize that there are going to be people in this world that will have hardened hearts and deaf ears to the warnings we give to them. But we as Christians must deliver that message. I like the analogy provided this morning of a friend that is blindfolded headed for a 300-ft drop. Would we stand by and just allow that friend to continue walking on that cliff or will we try fervently with all our power to stop that friend and remove the blindfold from their eyes for them to see the danger that lay ahead of them? And not only does that analogy pertain to Gossip but any thing that they may be doing that will cause them ruin in the end.
On my vision board I have “Speak the Truth in Love”. That is what I must fall on about telling others about the issues surrounding them. Just like warning the friend of the 300ft drop, I must lovingly tell my people that I care about that the way they are walking is treacherous and will cause them pain in the end. But I don’t have to beat it into them or forcefully try to make them see my point (i.e. arguing with them.). However, I don’t need to be whispering the warning either so low that they can barely hear me. I must speak loud and clear enough for them to hear the warning and understand what is being said. Therefore, the guilt of their demise will not lie upon my heart because they were warned.
So in final: speak the truth in love and we as women (and some men) need to refrain from gossiping about others, for it is sinful. But lift each other up and encourage one another. As Christ commanded in Matthew 22:39 …,’Love your neighbor as yourself’.
I have felt a need to declare some things to certain people in my life but have not done so because I was unsure if they would be receptive to what I had to say. So instead I have discussed my feelings about things to others. Mostly trying to see if what I am observing is valid and how to go about talking to that person about their behaviors or actions. But what good is it doing the person that is in the wrong or heading down a negative direction by me NOT telling them and only telling others? Not a thing. It is not benefiting them one bit. Therefore it is gossip.
However, after reading my morning scriptures and lessons for today, I realize that there are going to be people in this world that will have hardened hearts and deaf ears to the warnings we give to them. But we as Christians must deliver that message. I like the analogy provided this morning of a friend that is blindfolded headed for a 300-ft drop. Would we stand by and just allow that friend to continue walking on that cliff or will we try fervently with all our power to stop that friend and remove the blindfold from their eyes for them to see the danger that lay ahead of them? And not only does that analogy pertain to Gossip but any thing that they may be doing that will cause them ruin in the end.
On my vision board I have “Speak the Truth in Love”. That is what I must fall on about telling others about the issues surrounding them. Just like warning the friend of the 300ft drop, I must lovingly tell my people that I care about that the way they are walking is treacherous and will cause them pain in the end. But I don’t have to beat it into them or forcefully try to make them see my point (i.e. arguing with them.). However, I don’t need to be whispering the warning either so low that they can barely hear me. I must speak loud and clear enough for them to hear the warning and understand what is being said. Therefore, the guilt of their demise will not lie upon my heart because they were warned.
So in final: speak the truth in love and we as women (and some men) need to refrain from gossiping about others, for it is sinful. But lift each other up and encourage one another. As Christ commanded in Matthew 22:39 …,’Love your neighbor as yourself’.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Mothers
As Mother’s day approaches, I find myself thinking of how I have been as a mother to my kids. I know I have done some things that were not to their benefit but I can honestly say in the last year I have put them first in my decisions and my ambitions. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be selfish by wanting to do something for myself but ultimately I am worrying for them and trying to make sure that anything I do does not have a negative impact on them.
I have seen some of my actions that were hurting them and immediately took stock of whether it was that important for me to continue with what I was participating in at their expense. I have found that it is not. My job is to mother them first and foremost. Then I can pursue things for myself. I have learned that being a mother is not just providing for their material and nutritional needs but it is also a nurturing process. I AM their role model. I don’t need to look to anyone else for them to look to for a positive influence.
As I was talking to a friend last night about her relationship with her child it struck me so profoundly what I had been discussing in counseling. They initially told me and also throughout therapy that I need to be the pack leader for my boys. Because the Alpha male is missing in their lives, I had to step in and be that for them. I was not ready for that task and wanted a man to assume that role as it should have been. But God led me to see that they NEEDED me to do this for them because they were lost. If I waited for a suitable male to come in or for their father to actually step up to fulfill his duty, it will be too late.
It all starts with me, the mother. The molding and shaping of how my children will deal with life; it all starts with me. Like the baby ducks mimic their mamas so the children imitate the examples provided for them. However, there are some special cases where there are special people in their lives that step in to help in the molding process and give them alternative paths to choose. Some positive and some negative. Thankfully for me I had the positive influences in my life. So pulling upon those experiences I am transforming yet again to be a better mother, and person overall. I want to be the leader that they can look to and see how to handle life. I want to be that pillar of strength for them in their time of need. I want to be that lighthouse beacon in the storm guiding them along the shore. Because I know that God’s light is shining through me I believe I will succeed.
I pray that you too are that ray of light for your children or some special child in your life (niece, nephew, relative, friend, etc.). Step in and provide a positive path for that child to follow and a beacon of strength to draw upon as they grow and mature into an adult. Happy mother’s day!!!
I have seen some of my actions that were hurting them and immediately took stock of whether it was that important for me to continue with what I was participating in at their expense. I have found that it is not. My job is to mother them first and foremost. Then I can pursue things for myself. I have learned that being a mother is not just providing for their material and nutritional needs but it is also a nurturing process. I AM their role model. I don’t need to look to anyone else for them to look to for a positive influence.
As I was talking to a friend last night about her relationship with her child it struck me so profoundly what I had been discussing in counseling. They initially told me and also throughout therapy that I need to be the pack leader for my boys. Because the Alpha male is missing in their lives, I had to step in and be that for them. I was not ready for that task and wanted a man to assume that role as it should have been. But God led me to see that they NEEDED me to do this for them because they were lost. If I waited for a suitable male to come in or for their father to actually step up to fulfill his duty, it will be too late.
It all starts with me, the mother. The molding and shaping of how my children will deal with life; it all starts with me. Like the baby ducks mimic their mamas so the children imitate the examples provided for them. However, there are some special cases where there are special people in their lives that step in to help in the molding process and give them alternative paths to choose. Some positive and some negative. Thankfully for me I had the positive influences in my life. So pulling upon those experiences I am transforming yet again to be a better mother, and person overall. I want to be the leader that they can look to and see how to handle life. I want to be that pillar of strength for them in their time of need. I want to be that lighthouse beacon in the storm guiding them along the shore. Because I know that God’s light is shining through me I believe I will succeed.
I pray that you too are that ray of light for your children or some special child in your life (niece, nephew, relative, friend, etc.). Step in and provide a positive path for that child to follow and a beacon of strength to draw upon as they grow and mature into an adult. Happy mother’s day!!!
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