Maturity in Christ (Part 1)

You know for years I thought I was being a Christian because I loved God and believed that Jesus Christ died for my sins, read the bible occasionally and prayed. However, it was not until a few years back that I realized this was only the surface of what it means to be a Christian. I have found that I was considered a baby in Christ’s eyes, slow to learn if you will. Not because I was unable to grasp the concept or had a learning problem but because I only came to Him when I was in pain and needed Him. Just like a baby needs milk to “pacify” the hunger pain in its tummy so did I come to God, pray, and read the bible.

I did not practice all the principals listed in the elementary part of the bible (the Old Testament). I also was not as humble as I had envisioned myself being. If I kept to myself and did not bother anyone I believed that I was being a Christian. I was entirely and completely wrong. Everything in the world was a distraction to me, my husband, the kids’ behavior in school, and my job issues. I did not know what it meant to worship him. Sure, I went to church but I had no desire in my heart to LEARN about what more he required of me. That was scary for me because if I knew then I would have to act accordingly. Ignorance is bliss. I was giving lip service without realizing it. Hatred was in my heart for others which in the New Testament is likened to killing someone which in the 10 commandments (Old Testament teaching) commands not to do. I was judgmental in some instances toward others, which I had no right to do.

Recently a situation arose in my life after coming to terms that I was in need and wanting to draw closer to God. I was learning to pray every day and more than once a day. Diligently reading my Bible was my goal but I still would become distracted by issues or people that came into my life. I was made to deal with conflict where before I used to shy away from. Now, I am becoming more emboldened about handling issues that arise. Case in point, I had a friend or who I thought was a friend that I helped out. Our relationship soured in a matter of weeks without rhyme or reason. I still to this day do not know what caused the tension to mount where we were no longer on speaking terms but I remember that people come into our lives for a reason whether it’s seasonal or a lifetime. This was definitely seasonal. It hurt but helped me to see where I was weak in my character and how to handle conflict better. I am no longer as timid to voice my thoughts nor afraid to admit if I was wrong.

I also learned which battles to fight and which to walk away from. Today I walked away from the final battle with my “friend”. I was asking for something to be returned to me which was agreed upon would be returned. A few days passed without anything showing up or communication so I sent a nice reminder with a note that I will not bother them any longer about the item. In return I got a not so nice accusatory reply regarding my kids and myself. So of course I automatically became heated and was ready to rip a reply that was going to encourage the fire. But just this morning I had prayed on my spiritual maturity and asking God to help me grow in my maturity in him. So instead of responding returning the accusations, I bid farewell and blessings. Then I deleted all connection, i.e. phone, text, etc because there is no need to continue allowing negativity in your life. People come into our lives for a reason and that person’s time in my life had expired. I was happy at how I responded even though it would have felt good (REALLY GOOD) to argue back or even find a way to retaliate. I chose not to do so and now the anger that welled in my heart is subsiding.

End of a chapter

Okay so it is now December. My how the time flies by! I have been through some extreme highs and extreme lows. I have been hurt emotionally and romantically. I have learned some things about myself regarding my faults and weaknesses as well as my strengths. I have embraced who I am instead of turning a blind eye like I used to. I have also come to face some demons within my personality that I did not realize were lurking in the recesses of my spirit. Thankfully I choose to lean on God and not my own understanding.

One thing I have discovered along the way is that God is REALLY listening to me and is always providing for me whether I know I need it or not. My problem is sitting still long enough to wait for him to deliver on what I am inquiring about. You know when you realize you did something stupid after the fact and you slap your forehead and yell “duh!”? Well I’ve had QUITE a few of those moments this year. And I can guarantee you I will have some next year too, and the year after that, and so on and so forth. However, I have also had some phenomenal ideas where I sit back and say to myself “wow! Look at that. I did that?! That looks GRRRREAT!” The question is which do I dwell on or emphasize? The answer is both and neither. I say both because I learned from my “duh” moments on what not to do again or how to do it differently and as for my phenomenal moments I can look back and give God praise for blessing me with creativity and a problem-solving mind. But I also said neither because if you focus solely on your shortcomings or your genius moves then you will become stuck either in pitying yourself for what you did wrong or become narcissistic praising yourself for all that you did right forgetting that it was He that created you to have the capabilities to make those mastermind moves.

I make it my aim to tell myself daily that all I do, I do to bring glory and honor to God. Sometimes I forget and my actions do not always bring honor and glory to God but I am always thankful for His mercy and grace. Because with these I am able to stand up again after my falls and failures and try, try again. I love the song by Donnie McClurkin “We Fall Down”. The chorus line I love the most is “a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up”. We are all human and fall from grace daily but God knows our pitfalls but uses us anyway to carry out His grand purpose.

So reflect back on this year. Make note of your mess-ups and your beautiful mind at its best cranking out wonders for the betterment of all.  Learn from your mistakes and be thankful for that wonderful creativity that God blessed you with. Look forward to next year with goals in mind. And do not beat yourself up if you were not able to check EVERYTHING off of your list. Be glad that you were able to tackle SOMETHING!! Remember, Be blessed, Be YOU, and Shine your LIGHT on the world.

Distractions written 2/01/10

I have been so focused on my goals but as of late a distraction has come in and flipped my life upside down. Well several distractions really. The first is that my ex is not picking up the kids even though he is in town. He visits them while they’re in school and only for a few minutes. I am going to ask the school to see what I can do to limit him from doing this. It causes so much confusion and animosity. I had to hold my baby (he's 4) while he was crying his eyes out because his daddy won’t pick him up. I keep forgetting how strong I really am. I was the matriarch in my home. I took care of so much and was not appreciated for it, much like at my old job. I had so many responsibilities there but they constantly told me I wasn’t good enough to be promoted. I was beaten down and trying so hard to prove that I was worthy. Not to mention that I lacked confidence in my own abilities and was so stressed I faultered in areas I knew I was competent in. My husband did the same thing. Just beat me down emotionally and all my ambitions he tried to talk me out of doing because he didn’t want me to realize my potential.

I did soooo much at home and then I was beating myself up because I could not keep my home clean the way I wanted it to look nor maintain control over my kids’ behaviors when they were in school. They had no fear of me or their dad. Well there was some from Cevi but none for Jordan. Our home was chaotic at best.

Now, I am focusing on accomplishing some dreams that God wants me to pursue and I am so excited for them. Unfortunately, I was allowing my longing for a lasting relationship to cloud my thinking and focus. My attention was being diverted because I was trying to “help” my love life come around. I was trying to cause things to be the way I want them to be but I had forgotten that I need to wait on God’s timing. He will make things work according to how I am ready to handle them. Or it may be the other person who is not able to handle it yet.

I have to remember it is not just around my circumstances that things will unfold but other people’s circumstances are in play as well. It brings to mind the story by Pastor Jim Laffoon regarding the baby (John the Baptist) promised to Elizabeth and Zechariah. They were barren for so long even though they were righteous people. But Mary who was supposed to birth Jesus was not ready to bear children and also up to a certain point wasn’t even born yet. That sermon helps put me in place sometimes when I get too anxious about things. I need to listen to it again to help me stay focused.

I guess the reason why I am so distracted by the relationship thing is that I met a really nice guy who has all the qualities I am looking for and a great personality that I vibe well with. My kids have met him and like him as well. Just the timing is horrible. He lives over an hour away so it’s not very easy to visit with him. So my patience has and is being put to the test. One thing I have to remember is that it’s only been a month or a little over a month since meeting him in person (we chatted several months before he came home from fighting overseas). I guess I was expecting it to be instant. I was only thinking of myself and being selfish by not thinking of his situation or circumstances that he is facing.

I must realize that I am a special lady and any one will be VERY fortunate to have me in their life. And I am not being haughty just recognizing my worth. I also must realize that if I put other things ahead of my assigned goals by God that it will not work or there will be unneccesary heartache. Or worse I will lose sight of my goals and not hear the Holy Spirit directing or guiding me. And I definitely don’t need that to happen.