Let Go and Let God

Today had a spectacular start. I woke up as usual, thanked God for allowing me to wake up and took the time to allow my body to wake up. I went into the bathroom to get the shower started for my youngest son when I heard his little voice speaking to me. It surprised me because I usually have to wake him up forcibly by tickling him or actually picking him up out his bed and standing him on his feet. (He’s a night owl. He would stay up all night if I allowed him too). Then he came and gave a big hug and kiss. Then we both said our “I love you’s”. What a way to start the day!!

Then while in the shower, the song Let Go and Let God by Keith “Wonderboy” Johnson. I love that song. Well, while singing the lyrics I realized I was still “worrying over how the story was going to end” regarding my oldest son who is now living with his dad. All times I have attempted to spend time with my son has been thwarted by my ex-husband. I have been worrying on what affect this is going to have on our relationship (between me and my son) and also with his brother. Not only was that my concern but also how my ex was not picking up the youngest son to spend time with him or allow him to stay overnight sighting that he had to work. So upon singing the song I told myself, I am not following the song I am singing. I have to let go so that God can handle it. I trust in him and know that he’s got everything under control even if I cannot see it.

Then I sent Jordan off to school and got myself prepared for work. As I looked down at my phone I saw I had a text message from my aunt. So I read it and wow! I was floored and started crying, saying thank you to God because in her text she told me not to worry about my ex but to put him in god’s hands and leave him there. The message said to trust God because He is all we need and that he does not want us to worry. I could not agree more.

That message was perfectly timed! Not only was I trying to work out the situation with my children but I also got laid off from work and as of next week will be out of a job. There is a plan mapped out but it is still scary to know that I will not have a reliable source of income for awhile. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and standing on faith that all will be as it should be. What I need will be provided. Now this does not mean I will be sitting at home on my behind. No! I will be working hard on other things I have wanted to pursue but my efforts will be paying off and be blessed. I trust that they will exceed my expectations!!!

End of a chapter

Okay so it is now December. My how the time flies by! I have been through some extreme highs and extreme lows. I have been hurt emotionally and romantically. I have learned some things about myself regarding my faults and weaknesses as well as my strengths. I have embraced who I am instead of turning a blind eye like I used to. I have also come to face some demons within my personality that I did not realize were lurking in the recesses of my spirit. Thankfully I choose to lean on God and not my own understanding.

One thing I have discovered along the way is that God is REALLY listening to me and is always providing for me whether I know I need it or not. My problem is sitting still long enough to wait for him to deliver on what I am inquiring about. You know when you realize you did something stupid after the fact and you slap your forehead and yell “duh!”? Well I’ve had QUITE a few of those moments this year. And I can guarantee you I will have some next year too, and the year after that, and so on and so forth. However, I have also had some phenomenal ideas where I sit back and say to myself “wow! Look at that. I did that?! That looks GRRRREAT!” The question is which do I dwell on or emphasize? The answer is both and neither. I say both because I learned from my “duh” moments on what not to do again or how to do it differently and as for my phenomenal moments I can look back and give God praise for blessing me with creativity and a problem-solving mind. But I also said neither because if you focus solely on your shortcomings or your genius moves then you will become stuck either in pitying yourself for what you did wrong or become narcissistic praising yourself for all that you did right forgetting that it was He that created you to have the capabilities to make those mastermind moves.

I make it my aim to tell myself daily that all I do, I do to bring glory and honor to God. Sometimes I forget and my actions do not always bring honor and glory to God but I am always thankful for His mercy and grace. Because with these I am able to stand up again after my falls and failures and try, try again. I love the song by Donnie McClurkin “We Fall Down”. The chorus line I love the most is “a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up”. We are all human and fall from grace daily but God knows our pitfalls but uses us anyway to carry out His grand purpose.

So reflect back on this year. Make note of your mess-ups and your beautiful mind at its best cranking out wonders for the betterment of all.  Learn from your mistakes and be thankful for that wonderful creativity that God blessed you with. Look forward to next year with goals in mind. And do not beat yourself up if you were not able to check EVERYTHING off of your list. Be glad that you were able to tackle SOMETHING!! Remember, Be blessed, Be YOU, and Shine your LIGHT on the world.

Being Loved Blog written 3/16/10

I am diligently working on changing my habits to be a better person in Christ who strengthens me. I love Jehovah God and how He has just shown me his love. I love how Christ has surrounded me with love (not just from my children, family, or friends) and shown me that I am part of the congregation that is his bride. I am respected and loved for who I am. It is a good feeling to know this. It is the kind of love I was missing when I grew up without a father in the home. Some women and men have fathers in their home growing up and still miss out on this kind of love.

I no longer feel anxiety when I have not heard from my friend like I used to feel. I am confident in Christ that I am loved. Whether he is there to be with me or not, I am happy because I trust in God’s purpose for me. I know that he has something stored up just for me. I believe my friend was sent to me for a reason. I don’t know if he was for a season, or my lifetime. I am hoping he is for a lifetime. But if he was just to show me what I can have in a mate I can only imagine what that person is going to be like.

However, I must not allow anyone or thing to come in place of me worshipping God. I believe I had resorted to doing just that. I was slipping away from giving God all of my attention and giving it to my friend. I would think about him all the time when I should have been thinking about my heavenly Father. I would get angry when I hadn’t heard from him and then resort to thinking negatively. So in revelation, I was giving my worship to a relationship that hadn’t really developed yet. I am thankful to God for showing me the error of my ways. I just hope it hasn’t cost me some time out of the relationship I was supposed to have.

In closing I wonder how many of you are completely in love with yourself AND God. I don’t mean a narcissistic type love for you either or acknowledging that God IS. I mean a genuine understanding of you and your shortcomings as well as the talents and gifts that you are blessed with. And with that do you honor the creator who made you and give honor to him when you are performing with your gifts and talents?  Or do you say look at what "I" did or have done?

Gratitude written 2/16/10

I had oral surgery today because of a botched root canal. I was hesitant to get this procedure done back when it was first recommended because I was afraid. Now 6 months later I am finally beginning the process. Unfortunately, if had I completed this process when I was first instructed that I would need to do this I would be getting prepared to have the implant and crown put in place instead of at the start. Alas, fear of the unknown; PROCRASTINATION, the cousin of fear. I am thankful now for having done this procedure because it is over with for the most part.

I had a counseling session yesterday and during the session it was made known to me that I am still being passive aggressive with the kids and with my ex as I am still allowing him to be a controlling manipulative jerk by coming to see the children at school instead of picking them up. I trust and believe that God will work through me to get the needed help we all need so that we may have peace in our home.

This time out of work due to my surgery and with the kids being in school has proven to be the much needed time of reflection I needed to be able to read God’s word and hear his direction. I am thankful for all of His timing including the words spoken to me by a church member. I am thankful for the people in my life (family and friends) that have prayed for me and are taking care of the things that I needed. I am thankful for the words of advice. I am especially thankful for the gift provided by Elaine during Christmas. That book has been profound in helping me develop spiritually.

I am thankful that I saw I was allowing myself to idolize the idea of being in a relationship and not focusing on God. I still have strong feelings for him but I have not been clamoring for him like I was. I know that God is the bigger ticket and that I need to focus on Him; not stress over my career, the kids, the restaurant, the modeling, me moving. None of that matters. Only HE matters. If I focus on Him, everything else will fall into place because His Holy Spirit will guide me where I need to be and what I need to do to gain all those things I mentioned above and then some. Thank you, God, for being so gracious and merciful. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and sending me little nudges. I thank you for me being able to hear although sometimes I hear him after he has placed me in darkness because I was not listening before hand. At least I am listening instead of waiting 10 years hoping things would get better instead of acting to make things better.

So what are you thankful for?