End of a chapter

Okay so it is now December. My how the time flies by! I have been through some extreme highs and extreme lows. I have been hurt emotionally and romantically. I have learned some things about myself regarding my faults and weaknesses as well as my strengths. I have embraced who I am instead of turning a blind eye like I used to. I have also come to face some demons within my personality that I did not realize were lurking in the recesses of my spirit. Thankfully I choose to lean on God and not my own understanding.

One thing I have discovered along the way is that God is REALLY listening to me and is always providing for me whether I know I need it or not. My problem is sitting still long enough to wait for him to deliver on what I am inquiring about. You know when you realize you did something stupid after the fact and you slap your forehead and yell “duh!”? Well I’ve had QUITE a few of those moments this year. And I can guarantee you I will have some next year too, and the year after that, and so on and so forth. However, I have also had some phenomenal ideas where I sit back and say to myself “wow! Look at that. I did that?! That looks GRRRREAT!” The question is which do I dwell on or emphasize? The answer is both and neither. I say both because I learned from my “duh” moments on what not to do again or how to do it differently and as for my phenomenal moments I can look back and give God praise for blessing me with creativity and a problem-solving mind. But I also said neither because if you focus solely on your shortcomings or your genius moves then you will become stuck either in pitying yourself for what you did wrong or become narcissistic praising yourself for all that you did right forgetting that it was He that created you to have the capabilities to make those mastermind moves.

I make it my aim to tell myself daily that all I do, I do to bring glory and honor to God. Sometimes I forget and my actions do not always bring honor and glory to God but I am always thankful for His mercy and grace. Because with these I am able to stand up again after my falls and failures and try, try again. I love the song by Donnie McClurkin “We Fall Down”. The chorus line I love the most is “a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up”. We are all human and fall from grace daily but God knows our pitfalls but uses us anyway to carry out His grand purpose.

So reflect back on this year. Make note of your mess-ups and your beautiful mind at its best cranking out wonders for the betterment of all.  Learn from your mistakes and be thankful for that wonderful creativity that God blessed you with. Look forward to next year with goals in mind. And do not beat yourself up if you were not able to check EVERYTHING off of your list. Be glad that you were able to tackle SOMETHING!! Remember, Be blessed, Be YOU, and Shine your LIGHT on the world.

6/15/10 Out of the ashes

Today would have been my 12-year wedding anniversary. Instead I am a little over 2 months freshly divorced and have almost a year and a half been separated from my ex-husband. In that time frame, I have learned so much about myself as to how I ended up marrying someone who really was not the best fit for me. I have also learned how I allowed certain people and things in my life that tore me down instead of lifting me up. I have also learned how to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Out of the death of my marriage and my old life I have found a renewed strength, a desire for life like never before, and an unprecedented gratitude towards all that I have at this very moment. I am no longer dissatisfied with what I have or where I am. I do still look toward the future in hopes of gaining more but the motives are different. I want to gain more so that I can do more to benefit others and magnify the Father and all His glory.

Out of the ashes I have become more than I was before. All that I was before has been recreated and made new:
I am a dreamer. I tried to make myself stop being that because for so long I was told that was a bad thing that I daydream too much. But now I see that as one of my many gifts. It is what God granted me as a way to make a difference in this world. We all have gifts and talents but not all of us use them. I know up until recently I was barely using mine. I was trying to conform to what others wanted or needed of me instead of being the best me I could be.

I am a mother. I love children. I hate seeing them abused and/or misused. I have to admit I am guilty of having said harsh things to my own children but I am not one to leave things undone. I realized my errors (by way of asking God to search my heart and show me what I needed to fix) and have made fervent efforts to not be negative or use negative language to discipline my children. I too have also learned that using harsh words does not inflict the necessary reactions needed in correcting their behaviors. I was once told that as a parent I do not need to apologize to my children if I wrong them. I disagree. My oldest has respected me more when I changed from that way of thinking and told him I was sorry for the way I acted towards him. We now have a better communication line and he knows that when I mean business to act and not allow the tensions to rise. My youngest has also started responding in a positive way to my changes in how I deal with them and with my own anger. We are all working on being polite and positive to each other all around. It is a task because of the background we came from where name calling, sarcasm, and physical punishment was the norm. But day by day we grow and mature.

I am a Christian. This has been my most daunting but amazing trial. Although I have always known of God and thought I knew what it meant to be a Christian, I have come to realize that I was FAR from what I needed to be or how I needed to think. I have learned so much regarding myself in this area. I am now choosing to walk WITH God and not just acknowledge Him or give Him lip service. It is a vast difference. I have noticed the difference in the amount of time I devote to learning about the Kingdom and what is expected of me as a Christian. I am also learning HOW to pass on that knowledge to my children instead of what I was doing before (thinking they would pick it up on their own by watching me). I am also not afraid now to talk about God to others whether they are in agreement with me or not. My fear of the unknown is slowly creeping away.

I am confident. No longer am I the shy girl that was quiet not knowing what to say, or afraid of being teased for saying the wrong thing. I want to interact with other people. I realized I am a natural leader and teacher. I have a unique way of relating to people. That is one of my gifts. I have been told I light up a room. Never before did I think of myself in that way. But it is even more evident now with my new sense of self. And it is by no means being haughty or prideful. I am VERY humble although it is the usual human tendency to say what about me. I have to keep pushing those thoughts away, because it is not about me but the Father who created me. I am insignificant without him. Any success I have would be nothing if not gained by His Grace.

So although my life is starkly different that what it used to be, I am VERY thankful for the way things have changed in my life. I have been reborn shiny and new…like a phoenix out of the ashes.

Gratitude written 2/16/10

I had oral surgery today because of a botched root canal. I was hesitant to get this procedure done back when it was first recommended because I was afraid. Now 6 months later I am finally beginning the process. Unfortunately, if had I completed this process when I was first instructed that I would need to do this I would be getting prepared to have the implant and crown put in place instead of at the start. Alas, fear of the unknown; PROCRASTINATION, the cousin of fear. I am thankful now for having done this procedure because it is over with for the most part.

I had a counseling session yesterday and during the session it was made known to me that I am still being passive aggressive with the kids and with my ex as I am still allowing him to be a controlling manipulative jerk by coming to see the children at school instead of picking them up. I trust and believe that God will work through me to get the needed help we all need so that we may have peace in our home.

This time out of work due to my surgery and with the kids being in school has proven to be the much needed time of reflection I needed to be able to read God’s word and hear his direction. I am thankful for all of His timing including the words spoken to me by a church member. I am thankful for the people in my life (family and friends) that have prayed for me and are taking care of the things that I needed. I am thankful for the words of advice. I am especially thankful for the gift provided by Elaine during Christmas. That book has been profound in helping me develop spiritually.

I am thankful that I saw I was allowing myself to idolize the idea of being in a relationship and not focusing on God. I still have strong feelings for him but I have not been clamoring for him like I was. I know that God is the bigger ticket and that I need to focus on Him; not stress over my career, the kids, the restaurant, the modeling, me moving. None of that matters. Only HE matters. If I focus on Him, everything else will fall into place because His Holy Spirit will guide me where I need to be and what I need to do to gain all those things I mentioned above and then some. Thank you, God, for being so gracious and merciful. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and sending me little nudges. I thank you for me being able to hear although sometimes I hear him after he has placed me in darkness because I was not listening before hand. At least I am listening instead of waiting 10 years hoping things would get better instead of acting to make things better.

So what are you thankful for?