6/15/10 Out of the ashes

Today would have been my 12-year wedding anniversary. Instead I am a little over 2 months freshly divorced and have almost a year and a half been separated from my ex-husband. In that time frame, I have learned so much about myself as to how I ended up marrying someone who really was not the best fit for me. I have also learned how I allowed certain people and things in my life that tore me down instead of lifting me up. I have also learned how to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Out of the death of my marriage and my old life I have found a renewed strength, a desire for life like never before, and an unprecedented gratitude towards all that I have at this very moment. I am no longer dissatisfied with what I have or where I am. I do still look toward the future in hopes of gaining more but the motives are different. I want to gain more so that I can do more to benefit others and magnify the Father and all His glory.

Out of the ashes I have become more than I was before. All that I was before has been recreated and made new:
I am a dreamer. I tried to make myself stop being that because for so long I was told that was a bad thing that I daydream too much. But now I see that as one of my many gifts. It is what God granted me as a way to make a difference in this world. We all have gifts and talents but not all of us use them. I know up until recently I was barely using mine. I was trying to conform to what others wanted or needed of me instead of being the best me I could be.

I am a mother. I love children. I hate seeing them abused and/or misused. I have to admit I am guilty of having said harsh things to my own children but I am not one to leave things undone. I realized my errors (by way of asking God to search my heart and show me what I needed to fix) and have made fervent efforts to not be negative or use negative language to discipline my children. I too have also learned that using harsh words does not inflict the necessary reactions needed in correcting their behaviors. I was once told that as a parent I do not need to apologize to my children if I wrong them. I disagree. My oldest has respected me more when I changed from that way of thinking and told him I was sorry for the way I acted towards him. We now have a better communication line and he knows that when I mean business to act and not allow the tensions to rise. My youngest has also started responding in a positive way to my changes in how I deal with them and with my own anger. We are all working on being polite and positive to each other all around. It is a task because of the background we came from where name calling, sarcasm, and physical punishment was the norm. But day by day we grow and mature.

I am a Christian. This has been my most daunting but amazing trial. Although I have always known of God and thought I knew what it meant to be a Christian, I have come to realize that I was FAR from what I needed to be or how I needed to think. I have learned so much regarding myself in this area. I am now choosing to walk WITH God and not just acknowledge Him or give Him lip service. It is a vast difference. I have noticed the difference in the amount of time I devote to learning about the Kingdom and what is expected of me as a Christian. I am also learning HOW to pass on that knowledge to my children instead of what I was doing before (thinking they would pick it up on their own by watching me). I am also not afraid now to talk about God to others whether they are in agreement with me or not. My fear of the unknown is slowly creeping away.

I am confident. No longer am I the shy girl that was quiet not knowing what to say, or afraid of being teased for saying the wrong thing. I want to interact with other people. I realized I am a natural leader and teacher. I have a unique way of relating to people. That is one of my gifts. I have been told I light up a room. Never before did I think of myself in that way. But it is even more evident now with my new sense of self. And it is by no means being haughty or prideful. I am VERY humble although it is the usual human tendency to say what about me. I have to keep pushing those thoughts away, because it is not about me but the Father who created me. I am insignificant without him. Any success I have would be nothing if not gained by His Grace.

So although my life is starkly different that what it used to be, I am VERY thankful for the way things have changed in my life. I have been reborn shiny and new…like a phoenix out of the ashes.