6/15/10 Out of the ashes

Today would have been my 12-year wedding anniversary. Instead I am a little over 2 months freshly divorced and have almost a year and a half been separated from my ex-husband. In that time frame, I have learned so much about myself as to how I ended up marrying someone who really was not the best fit for me. I have also learned how I allowed certain people and things in my life that tore me down instead of lifting me up. I have also learned how to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Out of the death of my marriage and my old life I have found a renewed strength, a desire for life like never before, and an unprecedented gratitude towards all that I have at this very moment. I am no longer dissatisfied with what I have or where I am. I do still look toward the future in hopes of gaining more but the motives are different. I want to gain more so that I can do more to benefit others and magnify the Father and all His glory.

Out of the ashes I have become more than I was before. All that I was before has been recreated and made new:
I am a dreamer. I tried to make myself stop being that because for so long I was told that was a bad thing that I daydream too much. But now I see that as one of my many gifts. It is what God granted me as a way to make a difference in this world. We all have gifts and talents but not all of us use them. I know up until recently I was barely using mine. I was trying to conform to what others wanted or needed of me instead of being the best me I could be.

I am a mother. I love children. I hate seeing them abused and/or misused. I have to admit I am guilty of having said harsh things to my own children but I am not one to leave things undone. I realized my errors (by way of asking God to search my heart and show me what I needed to fix) and have made fervent efforts to not be negative or use negative language to discipline my children. I too have also learned that using harsh words does not inflict the necessary reactions needed in correcting their behaviors. I was once told that as a parent I do not need to apologize to my children if I wrong them. I disagree. My oldest has respected me more when I changed from that way of thinking and told him I was sorry for the way I acted towards him. We now have a better communication line and he knows that when I mean business to act and not allow the tensions to rise. My youngest has also started responding in a positive way to my changes in how I deal with them and with my own anger. We are all working on being polite and positive to each other all around. It is a task because of the background we came from where name calling, sarcasm, and physical punishment was the norm. But day by day we grow and mature.

I am a Christian. This has been my most daunting but amazing trial. Although I have always known of God and thought I knew what it meant to be a Christian, I have come to realize that I was FAR from what I needed to be or how I needed to think. I have learned so much regarding myself in this area. I am now choosing to walk WITH God and not just acknowledge Him or give Him lip service. It is a vast difference. I have noticed the difference in the amount of time I devote to learning about the Kingdom and what is expected of me as a Christian. I am also learning HOW to pass on that knowledge to my children instead of what I was doing before (thinking they would pick it up on their own by watching me). I am also not afraid now to talk about God to others whether they are in agreement with me or not. My fear of the unknown is slowly creeping away.

I am confident. No longer am I the shy girl that was quiet not knowing what to say, or afraid of being teased for saying the wrong thing. I want to interact with other people. I realized I am a natural leader and teacher. I have a unique way of relating to people. That is one of my gifts. I have been told I light up a room. Never before did I think of myself in that way. But it is even more evident now with my new sense of self. And it is by no means being haughty or prideful. I am VERY humble although it is the usual human tendency to say what about me. I have to keep pushing those thoughts away, because it is not about me but the Father who created me. I am insignificant without him. Any success I have would be nothing if not gained by His Grace.

So although my life is starkly different that what it used to be, I am VERY thankful for the way things have changed in my life. I have been reborn shiny and new…like a phoenix out of the ashes.

Blog 11/24/10 Dreams

I have had several dreams that stuck with me so vividly when I woke up that I wrote them down. Now in each of these dreams except for one, I was a successful business woman, very well-educated, well-respected and loved. But above all God was working through me to bring people closer to Him.

So what was the point of these dreams? I need to be directing people to God by being a witness for Him and His son Jesus Christ. Where is this going? I believe I am going to be a great influence to assist people dealing with heavy issues to help them heal and look towards God for guidance. What did these dreams mean about who I am? I believe they are saying that I have so much strength and poise, very persuasive, a strong believer in God and able to comfort others when upset. What about who I have been? Well to tell the truth I was not realizing the potential God designed me to achieve. I was in a rut. I was depressed, unhappy, overweight, felt like I was not worth anything. I was questioning my worth and why anyone valued me if they did. I didn’t like myself and I was trying to be a matriarch for my family. My life was a disaster and I was crying out to God for a change. Now with that said who am I becoming? I believe God is refining me to be someone greater than I was; someone that will affect people facing hardships to learn about God and to love Him or to renew their dwindling faith in Him.

He has put in me so many ideas but always it comes down to how can I use that idea to praise God? How can I use the service I am providing to honor God? I have thought long and hard about which avenue I should pursue. The modeling? The restaurant? The shoe/clothing line? Dance? Graduate School? It seems right now God is asking me to focus on the children but is giving me the opportunity to model at the same time. I thought I was supposed to go to Grad school right now but He is showing me now is not the time. I had too much on my plate to be able to focus and study like I needed to. My home was not in order. I am starting to get organized and on track. I am Following On Course Until Successful (FOCUS). I believe that once I get some things in alignment with what God is asking of me then the rest will come. So I have to stay focused and determined to stay on my path and not stray by trying to figure out things that I just need to be patient and wait on God to deliver especially since I have no control over them.

Do you have dreams and if so have some of them been manifested or is your sleep full of nightmares? I used to have those to which meant I was stressed in my waking life pressing the pain and frustration down and burying them deep inside while they were manifesting themselves in my dream state causing me not to have ANY restful sleep.  Pay attention to your dreams it is your spirit and God speaking to you.