Distractions written 2/01/10

I have been so focused on my goals but as of late a distraction has come in and flipped my life upside down. Well several distractions really. The first is that my ex is not picking up the kids even though he is in town. He visits them while they’re in school and only for a few minutes. I am going to ask the school to see what I can do to limit him from doing this. It causes so much confusion and animosity. I had to hold my baby (he's 4) while he was crying his eyes out because his daddy won’t pick him up. I keep forgetting how strong I really am. I was the matriarch in my home. I took care of so much and was not appreciated for it, much like at my old job. I had so many responsibilities there but they constantly told me I wasn’t good enough to be promoted. I was beaten down and trying so hard to prove that I was worthy. Not to mention that I lacked confidence in my own abilities and was so stressed I faultered in areas I knew I was competent in. My husband did the same thing. Just beat me down emotionally and all my ambitions he tried to talk me out of doing because he didn’t want me to realize my potential.

I did soooo much at home and then I was beating myself up because I could not keep my home clean the way I wanted it to look nor maintain control over my kids’ behaviors when they were in school. They had no fear of me or their dad. Well there was some from Cevi but none for Jordan. Our home was chaotic at best.

Now, I am focusing on accomplishing some dreams that God wants me to pursue and I am so excited for them. Unfortunately, I was allowing my longing for a lasting relationship to cloud my thinking and focus. My attention was being diverted because I was trying to “help” my love life come around. I was trying to cause things to be the way I want them to be but I had forgotten that I need to wait on God’s timing. He will make things work according to how I am ready to handle them. Or it may be the other person who is not able to handle it yet.

I have to remember it is not just around my circumstances that things will unfold but other people’s circumstances are in play as well. It brings to mind the story by Pastor Jim Laffoon regarding the baby (John the Baptist) promised to Elizabeth and Zechariah. They were barren for so long even though they were righteous people. But Mary who was supposed to birth Jesus was not ready to bear children and also up to a certain point wasn’t even born yet. That sermon helps put me in place sometimes when I get too anxious about things. I need to listen to it again to help me stay focused.

I guess the reason why I am so distracted by the relationship thing is that I met a really nice guy who has all the qualities I am looking for and a great personality that I vibe well with. My kids have met him and like him as well. Just the timing is horrible. He lives over an hour away so it’s not very easy to visit with him. So my patience has and is being put to the test. One thing I have to remember is that it’s only been a month or a little over a month since meeting him in person (we chatted several months before he came home from fighting overseas). I guess I was expecting it to be instant. I was only thinking of myself and being selfish by not thinking of his situation or circumstances that he is facing.

I must realize that I am a special lady and any one will be VERY fortunate to have me in their life. And I am not being haughty just recognizing my worth. I also must realize that if I put other things ahead of my assigned goals by God that it will not work or there will be unneccesary heartache. Or worse I will lose sight of my goals and not hear the Holy Spirit directing or guiding me. And I definitely don’t need that to happen.