It’s funny how every time I think I am over my past something comes and shows me that it is still affecting me to this very day. Today I had my counseling session and the question was asked what am I looking for out of the counseling? What do I want help with? I told them my temper in regards to JC and the boys. So to answer this series of questions we went through an exercise to find the underlying cause of the anger.
Q: What was I angry about?
A: When Jordan says “I want my daddy”, after I have disciplined him.
Q: How does that make you feel?
A: Resentful because he doesn’t participate in their lives. I am doing all of this for them (Jordan and Cevi) and it’s like a slap in the face.
Q: So you feel rejected?
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you felt like this?
A: Pretty much all my life.
Q: Why?
And of course that is when I went into the whole story of my biological father not wanting to participate in my life and then how my stepfather left me out of his life which made me feel abandoned.
I have made great strides in getting past all of that hurt and pain where it doesn’t rip a gaping hole in my heart again whenever it is mentioned but I still felt a tear well up in my eyes as we talked about the subject. That right there is part of the reason I have been through the things I have gone through in regards to my choice in men and how I viewed myself and my achievements. I wanted them to be so proud of me that they would want to be a part of my life and regret how they treated me. I at least got the apology from my biological dad earlier last year but have not received that closure from my stepdad. I am so glad that I am getting this counseling. It has been a tremendous help every session in pinpointing issues that are still hidden within my mind that I was not ready to confront yet.
I used to wonder why God blessed me with boys instead of girls. I believe I know the answer now. I could easily love a girl because I was one but also I realized that I still fear males. Deep down I didn’t want to face the rejection again. I got rejected by my fathers, my husband, at some point I feel a little rejected by my children but only when it comes to them and dealings with their dad. I know I don’t need a man to validate me but I still crave for that special attention, that reassurance that I am all that and a bag of chips. I am honestly thankful of the situation between my friend and I. I am able to confront my demon since he is not around so much and I have space and time to heal without it affecting us. I am growing stronger and confident during his absence. I am neither so needy now nor “obsessed”. I am glad for the day I don’t hear from him because I am so busy that I don’t have time to sit and chat with him. God is wonderful. He sends me a great guy in my path in a way that I get to see what a gentleman is like but is not interfereing or overwhelming as God continues working on me. At the same time He is working through my healing to help other women. Boy, when I am finally healed what a glorious time it will be!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment