Blog 03/09/10 Self-Perception

What is your self-perception? Do you have a clear and positive image of yourself? Are you confident in ALL that you do? Do you seek the approval of others? How do you view love?

Well, I recently came to the realization that I was still burying pain from long, long ago. I thought that my newfound happiness and freedom were what was needed to boost me past all that hurt, pain, and frustration. I also thought the newfound possible life partner I believe God directed to me was a sure sign I was ready. I for the longest had suffered from not having confidence in myself and being extremely shy. I am now more outgoing and outspoken than I used to be.

However, I am still struggling with the negative thoughts that come to my mind like: “I can’t do this”, “I wish I could…”, or “I am not able to finish because….” Deep down I know that I can accomplish these things but I psyche myself out negatively. Sometimes when I need to fill out applications that seem daunting, I procrastinate on completing them because it “appears” time consuming. I allow myself to be defeated before I even start.

I also found that from long ago I sought out the approval of others as a form of love. My assumption was if they approved of me then they loved me. I would avoid conflict with a passion. That is the main reason why my ex-husband has been able to get away with all of the stuff he has gotten away with.

It all stemmed from not having the consistent love I desired from my mother and father. I essentially grew up by myself with siblings who didn’t know me.  They now my characteristics but not what makes me tick.  I am now coming into my own understanding of whom I am, where I came from, and where I am going. I am now appreciating my life lessons and coming to terms with the way I grew up. It was a hard road coming to the realization that something in me was still broken. But I am thankful to God for revealing the part in me that still needed to be cut (or circumcised as the Israelites did at Gilgal in Joshua Ch. 5).

With this realization I can now be true to myself especially with the feelings I was experiencing when I was ready to share my love with someone and was not getting the feedback I wanted. I would be sitting there wondering why the people I wanted to love did not want to love me and why I was attracting these negative thinking people who seemed to bring me down and drain my energy. I stayed away from most of those people and cut ties with them. However, I didn’t TELL them I was cutting ties. I just stopped calling and gave the excuse that I was extremely busy and have not had time to chat. I mean this in part was true. I am EXTREMELY busy with activities for the boys and getting myself together. But I could pick up the phone and call people if I need to or remembered to.

I believe now I can continue to love myself and the boys and allow a genuine love to grow and not worry if I will run my friend away with my quirks. Honestly, if my quirks run him away then it was not meant to be in the first place. I can sit back and evaluate my life in a manner that scrutinizes the negativity and relish in the positive. I am happy to be able to court and have a deep love mature and grow with him. I did not want to rush into anything or try to make something happen because “I” felt like it was the thing to do like I did with my ex-husband. I want to take my time and allow things to progress naturally with God working behind it, in front of it, and through it. My place is to be obedient to His direction and Will because I love God and want to be pleasing to Him.

I am about to embark on a new journey in the land of Juanica. There are places never before seen. I am revisiting places that have long ago been forgotten or that I have recently visited but didn’t observe all there was to see. I am so excited to be breaking through to the new me. What a time I am going to have!!! I am already having a great time experiencing some of the depths of understanding that were hidden before. My eyes are no longer shut wide open but OPEN WIDE. I have a new discernment of myself and of God and His desires for me that I had never experienced.

I hope and pray that I continue to grow from these revelations and to gain new ones. I am working on no longer being afraid of others and their opinions of me. That is one of the items I am circumcising from my life. I went through an outward transformation as well as a superficial inward transformation last year. Now I am tackling a deeper subcutaneous inward transformation. God is reconfiguring me even more. This year I definitely am BREAKING THROUGH TO A NEW ME!