Today would have been my 12-year wedding anniversary. Instead I am a little over 2 months freshly divorced and have almost a year and a half been separated from my ex-husband. In that time frame, I have learned so much about myself as to how I ended up marrying someone who really was not the best fit for me. I have also learned how I allowed certain people and things in my life that tore me down instead of lifting me up. I have also learned how to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Out of the death of my marriage and my old life I have found a renewed strength, a desire for life like never before, and an unprecedented gratitude towards all that I have at this very moment. I am no longer dissatisfied with what I have or where I am. I do still look toward the future in hopes of gaining more but the motives are different. I want to gain more so that I can do more to benefit others and magnify the Father and all His glory.
Out of the ashes I have become more than I was before. All that I was before has been recreated and made new:
I am a dreamer. I tried to make myself stop being that because for so long I was told that was a bad thing that I daydream too much. But now I see that as one of my many gifts. It is what God granted me as a way to make a difference in this world. We all have gifts and talents but not all of us use them. I know up until recently I was barely using mine. I was trying to conform to what others wanted or needed of me instead of being the best me I could be.
I am a mother. I love children. I hate seeing them abused and/or misused. I have to admit I am guilty of having said harsh things to my own children but I am not one to leave things undone. I realized my errors (by way of asking God to search my heart and show me what I needed to fix) and have made fervent efforts to not be negative or use negative language to discipline my children. I too have also learned that using harsh words does not inflict the necessary reactions needed in correcting their behaviors. I was once told that as a parent I do not need to apologize to my children if I wrong them. I disagree. My oldest has respected me more when I changed from that way of thinking and told him I was sorry for the way I acted towards him. We now have a better communication line and he knows that when I mean business to act and not allow the tensions to rise. My youngest has also started responding in a positive way to my changes in how I deal with them and with my own anger. We are all working on being polite and positive to each other all around. It is a task because of the background we came from where name calling, sarcasm, and physical punishment was the norm. But day by day we grow and mature.
I am a Christian. This has been my most daunting but amazing trial. Although I have always known of God and thought I knew what it meant to be a Christian, I have come to realize that I was FAR from what I needed to be or how I needed to think. I have learned so much regarding myself in this area. I am now choosing to walk WITH God and not just acknowledge Him or give Him lip service. It is a vast difference. I have noticed the difference in the amount of time I devote to learning about the Kingdom and what is expected of me as a Christian. I am also learning HOW to pass on that knowledge to my children instead of what I was doing before (thinking they would pick it up on their own by watching me). I am also not afraid now to talk about God to others whether they are in agreement with me or not. My fear of the unknown is slowly creeping away.
I am confident. No longer am I the shy girl that was quiet not knowing what to say, or afraid of being teased for saying the wrong thing. I want to interact with other people. I realized I am a natural leader and teacher. I have a unique way of relating to people. That is one of my gifts. I have been told I light up a room. Never before did I think of myself in that way. But it is even more evident now with my new sense of self. And it is by no means being haughty or prideful. I am VERY humble although it is the usual human tendency to say what about me. I have to keep pushing those thoughts away, because it is not about me but the Father who created me. I am insignificant without him. Any success I have would be nothing if not gained by His Grace.
So although my life is starkly different that what it used to be, I am VERY thankful for the way things have changed in my life. I have been reborn shiny and new…like a phoenix out of the ashes.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Being Loved Blog written 3/16/10
I am diligently working on changing my habits to be a better person in Christ who strengthens me. I love Jehovah God and how He has just shown me his love. I love how Christ has surrounded me with love (not just from my children, family, or friends) and shown me that I am part of the congregation that is his bride. I am respected and loved for who I am. It is a good feeling to know this. It is the kind of love I was missing when I grew up without a father in the home. Some women and men have fathers in their home growing up and still miss out on this kind of love.
I no longer feel anxiety when I have not heard from my friend like I used to feel. I am confident in Christ that I am loved. Whether he is there to be with me or not, I am happy because I trust in God’s purpose for me. I know that he has something stored up just for me. I believe my friend was sent to me for a reason. I don’t know if he was for a season, or my lifetime. I am hoping he is for a lifetime. But if he was just to show me what I can have in a mate I can only imagine what that person is going to be like.
However, I must not allow anyone or thing to come in place of me worshipping God. I believe I had resorted to doing just that. I was slipping away from giving God all of my attention and giving it to my friend. I would think about him all the time when I should have been thinking about my heavenly Father. I would get angry when I hadn’t heard from him and then resort to thinking negatively. So in revelation, I was giving my worship to a relationship that hadn’t really developed yet. I am thankful to God for showing me the error of my ways. I just hope it hasn’t cost me some time out of the relationship I was supposed to have.
In closing I wonder how many of you are completely in love with yourself AND God. I don’t mean a narcissistic type love for you either or acknowledging that God IS. I mean a genuine understanding of you and your shortcomings as well as the talents and gifts that you are blessed with. And with that do you honor the creator who made you and give honor to him when you are performing with your gifts and talents? Or do you say look at what "I" did or have done?
I no longer feel anxiety when I have not heard from my friend like I used to feel. I am confident in Christ that I am loved. Whether he is there to be with me or not, I am happy because I trust in God’s purpose for me. I know that he has something stored up just for me. I believe my friend was sent to me for a reason. I don’t know if he was for a season, or my lifetime. I am hoping he is for a lifetime. But if he was just to show me what I can have in a mate I can only imagine what that person is going to be like.
However, I must not allow anyone or thing to come in place of me worshipping God. I believe I had resorted to doing just that. I was slipping away from giving God all of my attention and giving it to my friend. I would think about him all the time when I should have been thinking about my heavenly Father. I would get angry when I hadn’t heard from him and then resort to thinking negatively. So in revelation, I was giving my worship to a relationship that hadn’t really developed yet. I am thankful to God for showing me the error of my ways. I just hope it hasn’t cost me some time out of the relationship I was supposed to have.
In closing I wonder how many of you are completely in love with yourself AND God. I don’t mean a narcissistic type love for you either or acknowledging that God IS. I mean a genuine understanding of you and your shortcomings as well as the talents and gifts that you are blessed with. And with that do you honor the creator who made you and give honor to him when you are performing with your gifts and talents? Or do you say look at what "I" did or have done?
Roadblocks blog written 3/16/10
Ok so I decided that I needed to host a mini weight loss workshop since everyone keeps asking me about how I lost the weight and what am I doing. Well I happened to tell my idea to a fellow co-worker/friend who said I should try and get the library to sponsor my workshop. I thought wow that’s a great idea then I can do this regularly and eventually get paid for this. So I finally call (after dragging my feet since Friday) to see if I can get the sponsorship and they told me I needed to have credentials and come in and introduce myself that I am qualified to teach this, not to mention that the schedule has been set for the next 3 months for all workshops. Frustrated? Yes. What was I going to do next since my plan was thwarted? I went with my plan A which was to reserve one of the tutoring rooms to host my lecture series. I am now set to speak on March 30. I pray that God is with me on this endeavor and that I speak from Him and not of my own accord.
In the meantime, I was thinking about what to do about the time between now and when the sponsorships open up. Perhaps I can become a certified Life Coach. That way I will have my credentials. I have a BS in Chemistry. Why not add something else to the educational achievements? I do want to go back to school. Time for some research!
I am allowing God to work in me to break down these walls and take away my fear of rejection. That may be what my block is. Fear of being rejected. I asked God after my last session to reveal within me what was holding me back from accomplishing the goals that I have been working towards. I have a habit of starting things but not finishing them. At first I thought it was a fear of failure or success that was holding me back. However, I realize it is a fear of being rejected. I am able to accomplish things and be successful at it so it can not be that I fear success. I also believe a fear of failure may play a part in me procrastinating.
I challenge you to take a deep earnest look at yourself. Ask yourself have you achieved the dreams and goals in your life? If not, what is stopping you? Write down all the excuses why you haven’t accomplished your goals. Then, disregard all that you have written down and dig deeper because those are not the real reasons, that’s why I called them excuses. That’s just what came to the top of your head as far as what you have allowed to come in the way of accomplishing your dreams. The real reason is a fear of SOMETHING. What is it? Can you break free from it? YES! I know because I am doing the same thing. Breaking free from my bondage and breaking through to a new me!
In the meantime, I was thinking about what to do about the time between now and when the sponsorships open up. Perhaps I can become a certified Life Coach. That way I will have my credentials. I have a BS in Chemistry. Why not add something else to the educational achievements? I do want to go back to school. Time for some research!
I am allowing God to work in me to break down these walls and take away my fear of rejection. That may be what my block is. Fear of being rejected. I asked God after my last session to reveal within me what was holding me back from accomplishing the goals that I have been working towards. I have a habit of starting things but not finishing them. At first I thought it was a fear of failure or success that was holding me back. However, I realize it is a fear of being rejected. I am able to accomplish things and be successful at it so it can not be that I fear success. I also believe a fear of failure may play a part in me procrastinating.
I challenge you to take a deep earnest look at yourself. Ask yourself have you achieved the dreams and goals in your life? If not, what is stopping you? Write down all the excuses why you haven’t accomplished your goals. Then, disregard all that you have written down and dig deeper because those are not the real reasons, that’s why I called them excuses. That’s just what came to the top of your head as far as what you have allowed to come in the way of accomplishing your dreams. The real reason is a fear of SOMETHING. What is it? Can you break free from it? YES! I know because I am doing the same thing. Breaking free from my bondage and breaking through to a new me!
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