blog written 3/21/10
Tonight I watched the movie Not Easily Broken. Oh my goodness that movie had me in tears. Not only for the death of the little boy but because it had me see the type of husband I wish I had, which was someone who was willing to work ON our marriage instead of just constantly telling me what I am not doing right and putting me down. He constantly called me out of my name which last week I found out was a sin. I didn’t even know that.
Every time I wonder if I should go back to him because I want to be married again, I get a reminder of what my married life was like from beginning to end. There was not a honeymoon period where EVERYTHING was beautiful and lovely. No, instead of a bed of roses I had a bed of thorns. I hated my life and wanted to die. I even tried at one point when Cevi was only a few months old. I had so much pain inside. I think my mom was right. It’s going to take quite a bit of time to heal from those wounds. It saddens me to see people go through divorce. I was saddened by the prospect that I needed to get one. I wanted my life to be happy, loving, and long. Boy, what a complete opposite.
I often wondered if my motives were just in wanting my divorce. Was I doing it to actually help myself heal from the pain or did I just want to be free to be with someone else without cheating? I would have to say it was a little bit of both. I needed to get away from JC to have a clear head without the constant games and trickery. He was very good at that, causing confusion and such.
I don’t miss him in the least bit really. Often I would think to myself "what if I went back to him?" but I cannot imagine myself with him. I really can’t. There is no foreseeable future with him. I cannot even imagine his face or his body any longer. Hearing his voice is bothersome or even trying to have a conversation is tiring. I just hear the selfishness in his voice only thinking of himself and what he thinks he can get away with.
I sometimes wonder if what I feel towards my friend is real or imagined. Is it something I want it to be? Am I even seeing clearly? Do I want to be in a relationship so badly that I am clinging to just anyone? Well I would have to say no on that one because I have turned down several men that have shown an interest in me. There were some characteristics that I just could not get past. One example was the complainer (until now I did not realize how that reminded me of my ex). He complained about his ailments ALL the time (his mom was like that as well). Then there was one who talked A LOT. Always had an answer for everything about what I need to be doing and not to allow my past to control my future. Always talking about his loyalty. I could not put my finger on but it just did not feel right with him. Then there was the last one where I felt a closeness. Now he was very much like my ex with the competitive nature (too competitive). He was always trying to push me out of my comfort zone or talking about pushing me out of my comfort zone. He was a very handsome man but I felt drained whenever we were together. And being thought of as beautiful but also being demeaned at the same time just was not working for me. He also was a talker. I hardly was able to get a word in and then there was one moment where he barely talked and I would try to hold a conversation with him and it was VERY difficult. I need balance and going from one extreme to the other is too much for me. I had to deal with that with my ex. There was no middle ground.
I was told that if there is anything that bothers you in the early stages of the relationship that it will be magnified when you are married. I looked at all of these different guys and was like "ummm I can’t tolerate any of those things getting more pronounced in our relationship". So what can I say about the last few that I still communicate with? One guy makes no time to even be friends. Everything else takes precedence. That also goes for pretty boy. He has not come through yet to work on my car. He’s forgotten about me and everything. And I was a paying customr! I mean really?
Last but not least there are two nice guys that have too many things going on with them. It’s like they have no direction, nothing going to get fired up about. I need someone that has ambitions and things he wants to accomplish. I guess that is why one of my "friends" is so appealing to me. However, I don’t know if maybe the time is not yet or what. He has become such a Houdini now. I never know whether he is coming or going. Now, it is like I have heard from and seen him for the last time. I miss him so but I am trying to turn my thoughts to God to strengthen me for the time when there will be three (me, him, and God) to develop a 3-strand cord.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Let Go and Let God
Today had a spectacular start. I woke up as usual, thanked God for allowing me to wake up and took the time to allow my body to wake up. I went into the bathroom to get the shower started for my youngest son when I heard his little voice speaking to me. It surprised me because I usually have to wake him up forcibly by tickling him or actually picking him up out his bed and standing him on his feet. (He’s a night owl. He would stay up all night if I allowed him too). Then he came and gave a big hug and kiss. Then we both said our “I love you’s”. What a way to start the day!!
Then while in the shower, the song Let Go and Let God by Keith “Wonderboy” Johnson. I love that song. Well, while singing the lyrics I realized I was still “worrying over how the story was going to end” regarding my oldest son who is now living with his dad. All times I have attempted to spend time with my son has been thwarted by my ex-husband. I have been worrying on what affect this is going to have on our relationship (between me and my son) and also with his brother. Not only was that my concern but also how my ex was not picking up the youngest son to spend time with him or allow him to stay overnight sighting that he had to work. So upon singing the song I told myself, I am not following the song I am singing. I have to let go so that God can handle it. I trust in him and know that he’s got everything under control even if I cannot see it.
Then I sent Jordan off to school and got myself prepared for work. As I looked down at my phone I saw I had a text message from my aunt. So I read it and wow! I was floored and started crying, saying thank you to God because in her text she told me not to worry about my ex but to put him in god’s hands and leave him there. The message said to trust God because He is all we need and that he does not want us to worry. I could not agree more.
That message was perfectly timed! Not only was I trying to work out the situation with my children but I also got laid off from work and as of next week will be out of a job. There is a plan mapped out but it is still scary to know that I will not have a reliable source of income for awhile. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and standing on faith that all will be as it should be. What I need will be provided. Now this does not mean I will be sitting at home on my behind. No! I will be working hard on other things I have wanted to pursue but my efforts will be paying off and be blessed. I trust that they will exceed my expectations!!!
Then while in the shower, the song Let Go and Let God by Keith “Wonderboy” Johnson. I love that song. Well, while singing the lyrics I realized I was still “worrying over how the story was going to end” regarding my oldest son who is now living with his dad. All times I have attempted to spend time with my son has been thwarted by my ex-husband. I have been worrying on what affect this is going to have on our relationship (between me and my son) and also with his brother. Not only was that my concern but also how my ex was not picking up the youngest son to spend time with him or allow him to stay overnight sighting that he had to work. So upon singing the song I told myself, I am not following the song I am singing. I have to let go so that God can handle it. I trust in him and know that he’s got everything under control even if I cannot see it.
Then I sent Jordan off to school and got myself prepared for work. As I looked down at my phone I saw I had a text message from my aunt. So I read it and wow! I was floored and started crying, saying thank you to God because in her text she told me not to worry about my ex but to put him in god’s hands and leave him there. The message said to trust God because He is all we need and that he does not want us to worry. I could not agree more.
That message was perfectly timed! Not only was I trying to work out the situation with my children but I also got laid off from work and as of next week will be out of a job. There is a plan mapped out but it is still scary to know that I will not have a reliable source of income for awhile. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and standing on faith that all will be as it should be. What I need will be provided. Now this does not mean I will be sitting at home on my behind. No! I will be working hard on other things I have wanted to pursue but my efforts will be paying off and be blessed. I trust that they will exceed my expectations!!!
Monday, December 13, 2010
What did I do?
Have you ever sat back and asked the question “What did I do to cause this reaction?” regarding a situation or someone that just blew up at you? I know I have. I used to wonder why my ex-husband would get so angry at me for what seemed so small to me. I do not mean just yelling or not speaking to me. This is to the point of name calling, punching a whole in the wall, or even breaking something I treasured or that was of value in our home. It baffled me and also scared me. Not until I left the situation and started going to a support group did I understand that, granted I may have done something to upset my ex-husband but the reaction was not warranted. If we were mature adults we could have talked through the situation and been able to come to a resolution. However, that was not the case and it always boiled down to who was right and who was wrong. Most of the times I conceded as the wrongful party, since I could not deal with the harshness of his anger and wanted to make it all “go away”.
After deciding to leave my marriage for peace, I crossed my paths with other men who had similar ways of handling conflict. I was beginning to see a pattern and was wondering what I needed to do to change the attraction I was giving off that drew these same types of abusive men towards me. Recently, I found I had befriended a male that had the same tendencies but did not recognize the traits before becoming too involved. Due to there being no pursuit of a relationship on either part, my guard was down as I did not feel a need to be watchful. However, just because you are not pursuing a romantic relationship does not mean that friendships will not be abusive. “Friends” can take advantage of you as well, especially if they know your character, i.e. what it takes to appease you when they have done something wrong until the coast is clear and they can do their dirt again.
We had a confrontation that eventually erupted into us not speaking to each other. I kept wondering what I possibly had done to cause such a rift between my friend and I; similarly to how I used to sit and wonder what I did to make my ex-husband so angry at me. My support therapist noticed that I kept mentioning “I wonder what I did wrong”. She brought it to my attention and posed the question, “what makes you think you did something wrong?” After that question, I realized that I was going back to my married days of trying to figure out what I had done to “cause” my husband’s anger. I immediately was thinking this was something I caused singly without any participation from the other party. The blame was placed solely on my shoulders by me because I try so hard to be a pleasant person who has no issues with anyone.
I had to remember that no matter what I do, I will not always be someone’s friend. Someone will always have an issue with me and I will not always be liked because you cannot please all people all of the time. I had to be reminded of this because it was something I struggled with as a child. I struggled trying to please everyone and take care of everything. I wanted to help everyone that I could. Instead of knowing my own worth and having others prove they are worthy of being in my space, I was trying desperately to make them see I was worthy of their time, their love.
Since leaving my ex-husband I have come to see my worth. The value I contribute to this world is unique and wonderful. I do not need to fret or worry about someone not wanting to have anything to do with me, because not everyone is qualified to participate in the uniqueness that is me. All will not be able to appreciate who I am and the value I bring. Those that do will treasure it and not want to abuse my value as they realize it can be taken away. I realize I have that power to revoke the invitation to sample my value if not being treated as I should be. That feels so good knowing my worth. Do you know yours?
After deciding to leave my marriage for peace, I crossed my paths with other men who had similar ways of handling conflict. I was beginning to see a pattern and was wondering what I needed to do to change the attraction I was giving off that drew these same types of abusive men towards me. Recently, I found I had befriended a male that had the same tendencies but did not recognize the traits before becoming too involved. Due to there being no pursuit of a relationship on either part, my guard was down as I did not feel a need to be watchful. However, just because you are not pursuing a romantic relationship does not mean that friendships will not be abusive. “Friends” can take advantage of you as well, especially if they know your character, i.e. what it takes to appease you when they have done something wrong until the coast is clear and they can do their dirt again.
We had a confrontation that eventually erupted into us not speaking to each other. I kept wondering what I possibly had done to cause such a rift between my friend and I; similarly to how I used to sit and wonder what I did to make my ex-husband so angry at me. My support therapist noticed that I kept mentioning “I wonder what I did wrong”. She brought it to my attention and posed the question, “what makes you think you did something wrong?” After that question, I realized that I was going back to my married days of trying to figure out what I had done to “cause” my husband’s anger. I immediately was thinking this was something I caused singly without any participation from the other party. The blame was placed solely on my shoulders by me because I try so hard to be a pleasant person who has no issues with anyone.
I had to remember that no matter what I do, I will not always be someone’s friend. Someone will always have an issue with me and I will not always be liked because you cannot please all people all of the time. I had to be reminded of this because it was something I struggled with as a child. I struggled trying to please everyone and take care of everything. I wanted to help everyone that I could. Instead of knowing my own worth and having others prove they are worthy of being in my space, I was trying desperately to make them see I was worthy of their time, their love.
Since leaving my ex-husband I have come to see my worth. The value I contribute to this world is unique and wonderful. I do not need to fret or worry about someone not wanting to have anything to do with me, because not everyone is qualified to participate in the uniqueness that is me. All will not be able to appreciate who I am and the value I bring. Those that do will treasure it and not want to abuse my value as they realize it can be taken away. I realize I have that power to revoke the invitation to sample my value if not being treated as I should be. That feels so good knowing my worth. Do you know yours?
Maturity in Christ (Part 1)
You know for years I thought I was being a Christian because I loved God and believed that Jesus Christ died for my sins, read the bible occasionally and prayed. However, it was not until a few years back that I realized this was only the surface of what it means to be a Christian. I have found that I was considered a baby in Christ’s eyes, slow to learn if you will. Not because I was unable to grasp the concept or had a learning problem but because I only came to Him when I was in pain and needed Him. Just like a baby needs milk to “pacify” the hunger pain in its tummy so did I come to God, pray, and read the bible.
I did not practice all the principals listed in the elementary part of the bible (the Old Testament). I also was not as humble as I had envisioned myself being. If I kept to myself and did not bother anyone I believed that I was being a Christian. I was entirely and completely wrong. Everything in the world was a distraction to me, my husband, the kids’ behavior in school, and my job issues. I did not know what it meant to worship him. Sure, I went to church but I had no desire in my heart to LEARN about what more he required of me. That was scary for me because if I knew then I would have to act accordingly. Ignorance is bliss. I was giving lip service without realizing it. Hatred was in my heart for others which in the New Testament is likened to killing someone which in the 10 commandments (Old Testament teaching) commands not to do. I was judgmental in some instances toward others, which I had no right to do.
Recently a situation arose in my life after coming to terms that I was in need and wanting to draw closer to God. I was learning to pray every day and more than once a day. Diligently reading my Bible was my goal but I still would become distracted by issues or people that came into my life. I was made to deal with conflict where before I used to shy away from. Now, I am becoming more emboldened about handling issues that arise. Case in point, I had a friend or who I thought was a friend that I helped out. Our relationship soured in a matter of weeks without rhyme or reason. I still to this day do not know what caused the tension to mount where we were no longer on speaking terms but I remember that people come into our lives for a reason whether it’s seasonal or a lifetime. This was definitely seasonal. It hurt but helped me to see where I was weak in my character and how to handle conflict better. I am no longer as timid to voice my thoughts nor afraid to admit if I was wrong.
I also learned which battles to fight and which to walk away from. Today I walked away from the final battle with my “friend”. I was asking for something to be returned to me which was agreed upon would be returned. A few days passed without anything showing up or communication so I sent a nice reminder with a note that I will not bother them any longer about the item. In return I got a not so nice accusatory reply regarding my kids and myself. So of course I automatically became heated and was ready to rip a reply that was going to encourage the fire. But just this morning I had prayed on my spiritual maturity and asking God to help me grow in my maturity in him. So instead of responding returning the accusations, I bid farewell and blessings. Then I deleted all connection, i.e. phone, text, etc because there is no need to continue allowing negativity in your life. People come into our lives for a reason and that person’s time in my life had expired. I was happy at how I responded even though it would have felt good (REALLY GOOD) to argue back or even find a way to retaliate. I chose not to do so and now the anger that welled in my heart is subsiding.
I did not practice all the principals listed in the elementary part of the bible (the Old Testament). I also was not as humble as I had envisioned myself being. If I kept to myself and did not bother anyone I believed that I was being a Christian. I was entirely and completely wrong. Everything in the world was a distraction to me, my husband, the kids’ behavior in school, and my job issues. I did not know what it meant to worship him. Sure, I went to church but I had no desire in my heart to LEARN about what more he required of me. That was scary for me because if I knew then I would have to act accordingly. Ignorance is bliss. I was giving lip service without realizing it. Hatred was in my heart for others which in the New Testament is likened to killing someone which in the 10 commandments (Old Testament teaching) commands not to do. I was judgmental in some instances toward others, which I had no right to do.
Recently a situation arose in my life after coming to terms that I was in need and wanting to draw closer to God. I was learning to pray every day and more than once a day. Diligently reading my Bible was my goal but I still would become distracted by issues or people that came into my life. I was made to deal with conflict where before I used to shy away from. Now, I am becoming more emboldened about handling issues that arise. Case in point, I had a friend or who I thought was a friend that I helped out. Our relationship soured in a matter of weeks without rhyme or reason. I still to this day do not know what caused the tension to mount where we were no longer on speaking terms but I remember that people come into our lives for a reason whether it’s seasonal or a lifetime. This was definitely seasonal. It hurt but helped me to see where I was weak in my character and how to handle conflict better. I am no longer as timid to voice my thoughts nor afraid to admit if I was wrong.
I also learned which battles to fight and which to walk away from. Today I walked away from the final battle with my “friend”. I was asking for something to be returned to me which was agreed upon would be returned. A few days passed without anything showing up or communication so I sent a nice reminder with a note that I will not bother them any longer about the item. In return I got a not so nice accusatory reply regarding my kids and myself. So of course I automatically became heated and was ready to rip a reply that was going to encourage the fire. But just this morning I had prayed on my spiritual maturity and asking God to help me grow in my maturity in him. So instead of responding returning the accusations, I bid farewell and blessings. Then I deleted all connection, i.e. phone, text, etc because there is no need to continue allowing negativity in your life. People come into our lives for a reason and that person’s time in my life had expired. I was happy at how I responded even though it would have felt good (REALLY GOOD) to argue back or even find a way to retaliate. I chose not to do so and now the anger that welled in my heart is subsiding.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
End of a chapter
Okay so it is now December. My how the time flies by! I have been through some extreme highs and extreme lows. I have been hurt emotionally and romantically. I have learned some things about myself regarding my faults and weaknesses as well as my strengths. I have embraced who I am instead of turning a blind eye like I used to. I have also come to face some demons within my personality that I did not realize were lurking in the recesses of my spirit. Thankfully I choose to lean on God and not my own understanding.
One thing I have discovered along the way is that God is REALLY listening to me and is always providing for me whether I know I need it or not. My problem is sitting still long enough to wait for him to deliver on what I am inquiring about. You know when you realize you did something stupid after the fact and you slap your forehead and yell “duh!”? Well I’ve had QUITE a few of those moments this year. And I can guarantee you I will have some next year too, and the year after that, and so on and so forth. However, I have also had some phenomenal ideas where I sit back and say to myself “wow! Look at that. I did that?! That looks GRRRREAT!” The question is which do I dwell on or emphasize? The answer is both and neither. I say both because I learned from my “duh” moments on what not to do again or how to do it differently and as for my phenomenal moments I can look back and give God praise for blessing me with creativity and a problem-solving mind. But I also said neither because if you focus solely on your shortcomings or your genius moves then you will become stuck either in pitying yourself for what you did wrong or become narcissistic praising yourself for all that you did right forgetting that it was He that created you to have the capabilities to make those mastermind moves.
I make it my aim to tell myself daily that all I do, I do to bring glory and honor to God. Sometimes I forget and my actions do not always bring honor and glory to God but I am always thankful for His mercy and grace. Because with these I am able to stand up again after my falls and failures and try, try again. I love the song by Donnie McClurkin “We Fall Down”. The chorus line I love the most is “a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up”. We are all human and fall from grace daily but God knows our pitfalls but uses us anyway to carry out His grand purpose.
So reflect back on this year. Make note of your mess-ups and your beautiful mind at its best cranking out wonders for the betterment of all. Learn from your mistakes and be thankful for that wonderful creativity that God blessed you with. Look forward to next year with goals in mind. And do not beat yourself up if you were not able to check EVERYTHING off of your list. Be glad that you were able to tackle SOMETHING!! Remember, Be blessed, Be YOU, and Shine your LIGHT on the world.
One thing I have discovered along the way is that God is REALLY listening to me and is always providing for me whether I know I need it or not. My problem is sitting still long enough to wait for him to deliver on what I am inquiring about. You know when you realize you did something stupid after the fact and you slap your forehead and yell “duh!”? Well I’ve had QUITE a few of those moments this year. And I can guarantee you I will have some next year too, and the year after that, and so on and so forth. However, I have also had some phenomenal ideas where I sit back and say to myself “wow! Look at that. I did that?! That looks GRRRREAT!” The question is which do I dwell on or emphasize? The answer is both and neither. I say both because I learned from my “duh” moments on what not to do again or how to do it differently and as for my phenomenal moments I can look back and give God praise for blessing me with creativity and a problem-solving mind. But I also said neither because if you focus solely on your shortcomings or your genius moves then you will become stuck either in pitying yourself for what you did wrong or become narcissistic praising yourself for all that you did right forgetting that it was He that created you to have the capabilities to make those mastermind moves.
I make it my aim to tell myself daily that all I do, I do to bring glory and honor to God. Sometimes I forget and my actions do not always bring honor and glory to God but I am always thankful for His mercy and grace. Because with these I am able to stand up again after my falls and failures and try, try again. I love the song by Donnie McClurkin “We Fall Down”. The chorus line I love the most is “a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up”. We are all human and fall from grace daily but God knows our pitfalls but uses us anyway to carry out His grand purpose.
So reflect back on this year. Make note of your mess-ups and your beautiful mind at its best cranking out wonders for the betterment of all. Learn from your mistakes and be thankful for that wonderful creativity that God blessed you with. Look forward to next year with goals in mind. And do not beat yourself up if you were not able to check EVERYTHING off of your list. Be glad that you were able to tackle SOMETHING!! Remember, Be blessed, Be YOU, and Shine your LIGHT on the world.
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