It’s funny how every time I think I am over my past something comes and shows me that it is still affecting me to this very day. Today I had my counseling session and the question was asked what am I looking for out of the counseling? What do I want help with? I told them my temper in regards to JC and the boys. So to answer this series of questions we went through an exercise to find the underlying cause of the anger.
Q: What was I angry about?
A: When Jordan says “I want my daddy”, after I have disciplined him.
Q: How does that make you feel?
A: Resentful because he doesn’t participate in their lives. I am doing all of this for them (Jordan and Cevi) and it’s like a slap in the face.
Q: So you feel rejected?
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you felt like this?
A: Pretty much all my life.
Q: Why?
And of course that is when I went into the whole story of my biological father not wanting to participate in my life and then how my stepfather left me out of his life which made me feel abandoned.
I have made great strides in getting past all of that hurt and pain where it doesn’t rip a gaping hole in my heart again whenever it is mentioned but I still felt a tear well up in my eyes as we talked about the subject. That right there is part of the reason I have been through the things I have gone through in regards to my choice in men and how I viewed myself and my achievements. I wanted them to be so proud of me that they would want to be a part of my life and regret how they treated me. I at least got the apology from my biological dad earlier last year but have not received that closure from my stepdad. I am so glad that I am getting this counseling. It has been a tremendous help every session in pinpointing issues that are still hidden within my mind that I was not ready to confront yet.
I used to wonder why God blessed me with boys instead of girls. I believe I know the answer now. I could easily love a girl because I was one but also I realized that I still fear males. Deep down I didn’t want to face the rejection again. I got rejected by my fathers, my husband, at some point I feel a little rejected by my children but only when it comes to them and dealings with their dad. I know I don’t need a man to validate me but I still crave for that special attention, that reassurance that I am all that and a bag of chips. I am honestly thankful of the situation between my friend and I. I am able to confront my demon since he is not around so much and I have space and time to heal without it affecting us. I am growing stronger and confident during his absence. I am neither so needy now nor “obsessed”. I am glad for the day I don’t hear from him because I am so busy that I don’t have time to sit and chat with him. God is wonderful. He sends me a great guy in my path in a way that I get to see what a gentleman is like but is not interfereing or overwhelming as God continues working on me. At the same time He is working through my healing to help other women. Boy, when I am finally healed what a glorious time it will be!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Guilt feelings and Perserverance written 2/22/10
I should be sleeping by now as it is almost 12:30 in the morning but I could not close my eyes without first writing about the message God sent to me today. I am in awe as to how that played out but I know God works in ways unknown to us but always on time.
The first message I received today was about guilt feelings. There are several kinds. The first is the guilty feeling from your conscience when you have done something against God’s word or law (which we should have). The second is guilty feelings we have when we haven’t done anything wrong but we feel guilty about the action (these we shouldn’t have). Ironically, today I found out that Cevi fractured his arm yesterday when he fell off the bike at Grandma’s. I immediately started regretting allowing him to play outside with his cousin and then feeling guilty about going over Grandma’s in the first place when all Cevi wanted to do was stay home and watch the movie Starstruck. He even offered to cook if we didn’t leave. Then I switched to beating myself up for not taking him to the doctor yesterday when he first hurt himself. While I was showering and contemplating about the day, the words coming from the speaker on the radio program I was listening to this afternoon popped in my head. At that instant, I had an A-ha moment. God led my spirit to turn to the AM stations and flip through them causing me to land on the spot where the speaker was talking about these guilt feelings and how people try to use those to manipulate others or their situations. I am so thankful that my reception of listening to God’s Holy Spirit is getting clearer. I probably would have been worried to death all night if it had not been for the lessons and messages I have received today.
The other message was about perseverance. I have been diligently reading and learning God’s word and allowing it to penetrate my heart and become in tune with every fiber of my being. At first when I tried to read this passage at the urgent care center, I could not take it in. The boys were making so much noise and being so rambunctious that I could not concentrate on the words. So when I got home and read the passage again, it all made much more sense. It was talking about waiting on God. I have learned so many lessons this past year about patience and it being a virtue. It was definitely something I was lacking in quite a few areas of my life but every day I draw closer to being more patient and understanding. I am happier with my kids. They don’t stress me as often as they used to. We are having a better communicative relationship although they still test the waters. God has truly been working on us as a family unit. I am so thankful for that. Be still and know that I am God! Whew. Still in awe!
The first message I received today was about guilt feelings. There are several kinds. The first is the guilty feeling from your conscience when you have done something against God’s word or law (which we should have). The second is guilty feelings we have when we haven’t done anything wrong but we feel guilty about the action (these we shouldn’t have). Ironically, today I found out that Cevi fractured his arm yesterday when he fell off the bike at Grandma’s. I immediately started regretting allowing him to play outside with his cousin and then feeling guilty about going over Grandma’s in the first place when all Cevi wanted to do was stay home and watch the movie Starstruck. He even offered to cook if we didn’t leave. Then I switched to beating myself up for not taking him to the doctor yesterday when he first hurt himself. While I was showering and contemplating about the day, the words coming from the speaker on the radio program I was listening to this afternoon popped in my head. At that instant, I had an A-ha moment. God led my spirit to turn to the AM stations and flip through them causing me to land on the spot where the speaker was talking about these guilt feelings and how people try to use those to manipulate others or their situations. I am so thankful that my reception of listening to God’s Holy Spirit is getting clearer. I probably would have been worried to death all night if it had not been for the lessons and messages I have received today.
The other message was about perseverance. I have been diligently reading and learning God’s word and allowing it to penetrate my heart and become in tune with every fiber of my being. At first when I tried to read this passage at the urgent care center, I could not take it in. The boys were making so much noise and being so rambunctious that I could not concentrate on the words. So when I got home and read the passage again, it all made much more sense. It was talking about waiting on God. I have learned so many lessons this past year about patience and it being a virtue. It was definitely something I was lacking in quite a few areas of my life but every day I draw closer to being more patient and understanding. I am happier with my kids. They don’t stress me as often as they used to. We are having a better communicative relationship although they still test the waters. God has truly been working on us as a family unit. I am so thankful for that. Be still and know that I am God! Whew. Still in awe!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Procrastination written 2/21/10
The quote for Feb 21 (today) in my book “My Utmost for His Highest” by Oswald Chambers, was speaking on being used by God. At the end of the passage it reads: “ …we become overly concerned about the way we walk and talk and look, out of fear of offending God. …but perfect love casts out fear…(1 Joh 4:18) once we are surrendered to God. … Once we are totally surrendered to God, He will work through us all the time.” I was compelled today to call a distant relative after reading this passage as well as the entire chapter of 1 John 4. I called to see how she was doing and ended up talking for hours to her. It was great. I ministered to her. I felt lifted myself. Laughed about the kids. Heard stories about her past. I was glad I listened to God on the inclination I should call her. Now if I can just stop procrastinating and get motivated to pick up the business book and start looking into getting some funding for this restaurant. I received my taxes this weekend so I have a little loot ready. I also applied for a modeling job in Charlotte this coming up weekend. So the income from that should be very helpful because I am a money magnet! Money flows to me freely and in abundance! We are going to be ready for this business venture! I feel God working in me and through me. I have already put aside the procrastination for the application of the kids at Maureen Joy. I enrolled them online tonight. Thankfully, I listened to the spirit when it was telling me to go onto the website instead of filling out the applications on paper. However, I didn’t listen this morning when I first got the instinct to check the website. LOL! I am still learning to just go with that intuition because that is God speaking to me!! I need to be more obedient.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Gratitude written 2/16/10
I had oral surgery today because of a botched root canal. I was hesitant to get this procedure done back when it was first recommended because I was afraid. Now 6 months later I am finally beginning the process. Unfortunately, if had I completed this process when I was first instructed that I would need to do this I would be getting prepared to have the implant and crown put in place instead of at the start. Alas, fear of the unknown; PROCRASTINATION, the cousin of fear. I am thankful now for having done this procedure because it is over with for the most part.
I had a counseling session yesterday and during the session it was made known to me that I am still being passive aggressive with the kids and with my ex as I am still allowing him to be a controlling manipulative jerk by coming to see the children at school instead of picking them up. I trust and believe that God will work through me to get the needed help we all need so that we may have peace in our home.
This time out of work due to my surgery and with the kids being in school has proven to be the much needed time of reflection I needed to be able to read God’s word and hear his direction. I am thankful for all of His timing including the words spoken to me by a church member. I am thankful for the people in my life (family and friends) that have prayed for me and are taking care of the things that I needed. I am thankful for the words of advice. I am especially thankful for the gift provided by Elaine during Christmas. That book has been profound in helping me develop spiritually.
I am thankful that I saw I was allowing myself to idolize the idea of being in a relationship and not focusing on God. I still have strong feelings for him but I have not been clamoring for him like I was. I know that God is the bigger ticket and that I need to focus on Him; not stress over my career, the kids, the restaurant, the modeling, me moving. None of that matters. Only HE matters. If I focus on Him, everything else will fall into place because His Holy Spirit will guide me where I need to be and what I need to do to gain all those things I mentioned above and then some. Thank you, God, for being so gracious and merciful. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and sending me little nudges. I thank you for me being able to hear although sometimes I hear him after he has placed me in darkness because I was not listening before hand. At least I am listening instead of waiting 10 years hoping things would get better instead of acting to make things better.
So what are you thankful for?
I had a counseling session yesterday and during the session it was made known to me that I am still being passive aggressive with the kids and with my ex as I am still allowing him to be a controlling manipulative jerk by coming to see the children at school instead of picking them up. I trust and believe that God will work through me to get the needed help we all need so that we may have peace in our home.
This time out of work due to my surgery and with the kids being in school has proven to be the much needed time of reflection I needed to be able to read God’s word and hear his direction. I am thankful for all of His timing including the words spoken to me by a church member. I am thankful for the people in my life (family and friends) that have prayed for me and are taking care of the things that I needed. I am thankful for the words of advice. I am especially thankful for the gift provided by Elaine during Christmas. That book has been profound in helping me develop spiritually.
I am thankful that I saw I was allowing myself to idolize the idea of being in a relationship and not focusing on God. I still have strong feelings for him but I have not been clamoring for him like I was. I know that God is the bigger ticket and that I need to focus on Him; not stress over my career, the kids, the restaurant, the modeling, me moving. None of that matters. Only HE matters. If I focus on Him, everything else will fall into place because His Holy Spirit will guide me where I need to be and what I need to do to gain all those things I mentioned above and then some. Thank you, God, for being so gracious and merciful. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and sending me little nudges. I thank you for me being able to hear although sometimes I hear him after he has placed me in darkness because I was not listening before hand. At least I am listening instead of waiting 10 years hoping things would get better instead of acting to make things better.
So what are you thankful for?
Distractions written 2/01/10
I have been so focused on my goals but as of late a distraction has come in and flipped my life upside down. Well several distractions really. The first is that my ex is not picking up the kids even though he is in town. He visits them while they’re in school and only for a few minutes. I am going to ask the school to see what I can do to limit him from doing this. It causes so much confusion and animosity. I had to hold my baby (he's 4) while he was crying his eyes out because his daddy won’t pick him up. I keep forgetting how strong I really am. I was the matriarch in my home. I took care of so much and was not appreciated for it, much like at my old job. I had so many responsibilities there but they constantly told me I wasn’t good enough to be promoted. I was beaten down and trying so hard to prove that I was worthy. Not to mention that I lacked confidence in my own abilities and was so stressed I faultered in areas I knew I was competent in. My husband did the same thing. Just beat me down emotionally and all my ambitions he tried to talk me out of doing because he didn’t want me to realize my potential.
I did soooo much at home and then I was beating myself up because I could not keep my home clean the way I wanted it to look nor maintain control over my kids’ behaviors when they were in school. They had no fear of me or their dad. Well there was some from Cevi but none for Jordan. Our home was chaotic at best.
Now, I am focusing on accomplishing some dreams that God wants me to pursue and I am so excited for them. Unfortunately, I was allowing my longing for a lasting relationship to cloud my thinking and focus. My attention was being diverted because I was trying to “help” my love life come around. I was trying to cause things to be the way I want them to be but I had forgotten that I need to wait on God’s timing. He will make things work according to how I am ready to handle them. Or it may be the other person who is not able to handle it yet.
I have to remember it is not just around my circumstances that things will unfold but other people’s circumstances are in play as well. It brings to mind the story by Pastor Jim Laffoon regarding the baby (John the Baptist) promised to Elizabeth and Zechariah. They were barren for so long even though they were righteous people. But Mary who was supposed to birth Jesus was not ready to bear children and also up to a certain point wasn’t even born yet. That sermon helps put me in place sometimes when I get too anxious about things. I need to listen to it again to help me stay focused.
I guess the reason why I am so distracted by the relationship thing is that I met a really nice guy who has all the qualities I am looking for and a great personality that I vibe well with. My kids have met him and like him as well. Just the timing is horrible. He lives over an hour away so it’s not very easy to visit with him. So my patience has and is being put to the test. One thing I have to remember is that it’s only been a month or a little over a month since meeting him in person (we chatted several months before he came home from fighting overseas). I guess I was expecting it to be instant. I was only thinking of myself and being selfish by not thinking of his situation or circumstances that he is facing.
I must realize that I am a special lady and any one will be VERY fortunate to have me in their life. And I am not being haughty just recognizing my worth. I also must realize that if I put other things ahead of my assigned goals by God that it will not work or there will be unneccesary heartache. Or worse I will lose sight of my goals and not hear the Holy Spirit directing or guiding me. And I definitely don’t need that to happen.
I did soooo much at home and then I was beating myself up because I could not keep my home clean the way I wanted it to look nor maintain control over my kids’ behaviors when they were in school. They had no fear of me or their dad. Well there was some from Cevi but none for Jordan. Our home was chaotic at best.
Now, I am focusing on accomplishing some dreams that God wants me to pursue and I am so excited for them. Unfortunately, I was allowing my longing for a lasting relationship to cloud my thinking and focus. My attention was being diverted because I was trying to “help” my love life come around. I was trying to cause things to be the way I want them to be but I had forgotten that I need to wait on God’s timing. He will make things work according to how I am ready to handle them. Or it may be the other person who is not able to handle it yet.
I have to remember it is not just around my circumstances that things will unfold but other people’s circumstances are in play as well. It brings to mind the story by Pastor Jim Laffoon regarding the baby (John the Baptist) promised to Elizabeth and Zechariah. They were barren for so long even though they were righteous people. But Mary who was supposed to birth Jesus was not ready to bear children and also up to a certain point wasn’t even born yet. That sermon helps put me in place sometimes when I get too anxious about things. I need to listen to it again to help me stay focused.
I guess the reason why I am so distracted by the relationship thing is that I met a really nice guy who has all the qualities I am looking for and a great personality that I vibe well with. My kids have met him and like him as well. Just the timing is horrible. He lives over an hour away so it’s not very easy to visit with him. So my patience has and is being put to the test. One thing I have to remember is that it’s only been a month or a little over a month since meeting him in person (we chatted several months before he came home from fighting overseas). I guess I was expecting it to be instant. I was only thinking of myself and being selfish by not thinking of his situation or circumstances that he is facing.
I must realize that I am a special lady and any one will be VERY fortunate to have me in their life. And I am not being haughty just recognizing my worth. I also must realize that if I put other things ahead of my assigned goals by God that it will not work or there will be unneccesary heartache. Or worse I will lose sight of my goals and not hear the Holy Spirit directing or guiding me. And I definitely don’t need that to happen.
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