Not Easily Broken

blog written 3/21/10
Tonight I watched the movie Not Easily Broken. Oh my goodness that movie had me in tears. Not only for the death of the little boy but because it had me see the type of husband I wish I had, which was someone who was willing to work ON our marriage instead of just constantly telling me what I am not doing right and putting me down. He constantly called me out of my name which last week I found out was a sin. I didn’t even know that.

Every time I wonder if I should go back to him because I want to be married again, I get a reminder of what my married life was like from beginning to end. There was not a honeymoon period where EVERYTHING was beautiful and lovely. No, instead of a bed of roses I had a bed of thorns. I hated my life and wanted to die. I even tried at one point when Cevi was only a few months old. I had so much pain inside. I think my mom was right. It’s going to take quite a bit of time to heal from those wounds. It saddens me to see people go through divorce. I was saddened by the prospect that I needed to get one. I wanted my life to be happy, loving, and long. Boy, what a complete opposite.

I often wondered if my motives were just in wanting my divorce. Was I doing it to actually help myself heal from the pain or did I just want to be free to be with someone else without cheating? I would have to say it was a little bit of both. I needed to get away from JC to have a clear head without the constant games and trickery. He was very good at that, causing confusion and such.

I don’t miss him in the least bit really. Often I would think to myself "what if I went back to him?" but I cannot imagine myself with him. I really can’t. There is no foreseeable future with him. I cannot even imagine his face or his body any longer. Hearing his voice is bothersome or even trying to have a conversation is tiring. I just hear the selfishness in his voice only thinking of himself and what he thinks he can get away with.

I sometimes wonder if what I feel towards my friend is real or imagined. Is it something I want it to be? Am I even seeing clearly? Do I want to be in a relationship so badly that I am clinging to just anyone? Well I would have to say no on that one because I have turned down several men that have shown an interest in me. There were some characteristics that I just could not get past. One example was the complainer (until now I did not realize how that reminded me of my ex). He complained about his ailments ALL the time (his mom was like that as well). Then there was one who talked A LOT. Always had an answer for everything about what I need to be doing and not to allow my past to control my future. Always talking about his loyalty. I could not put my finger on but it just did not feel right with him. Then there was the last one where I felt a closeness. Now he was very much like my ex with the competitive nature (too competitive). He was always trying to push me out of my comfort zone or talking about pushing me out of my comfort zone. He was a very handsome man but I felt drained whenever we were together. And being thought of as beautiful but also being demeaned at the same time just was not working for me. He also was a talker. I hardly was able to get a word in and then there was one moment where he barely talked and I would try to hold a conversation with him and it was VERY difficult.  I need balance and going from one extreme to the other is too much for me.  I had to deal with that with my ex.  There was no middle ground.

I was told that if there is anything that bothers you in the early stages of the relationship that it will be magnified when you are married. I looked at all of these different guys and was like "ummm I can’t tolerate any of those things getting more pronounced in our relationship". So what can I say about the last few that I still communicate with?  One guy makes no time to even be friends. Everything else takes precedence. That also goes for pretty boy. He has not come through yet to work on my car. He’s forgotten about me and everything. And I was a paying customr!  I mean really?

Last but not least there are two nice guys that have too many things going on with them. It’s like they have no direction, nothing going to get fired up about. I need someone that has ambitions and things he wants to accomplish. I guess that is why one of my "friends" is so appealing to me. However, I don’t know if maybe the time is not yet or what. He has become such a Houdini now. I never know whether he is coming or going. Now, it is like I have heard from and seen him for the last time. I miss him so but I am trying to turn my thoughts to God to strengthen me for the time when there will be three (me, him, and God) to develop a 3-strand cord.

Let Go and Let God

Today had a spectacular start. I woke up as usual, thanked God for allowing me to wake up and took the time to allow my body to wake up. I went into the bathroom to get the shower started for my youngest son when I heard his little voice speaking to me. It surprised me because I usually have to wake him up forcibly by tickling him or actually picking him up out his bed and standing him on his feet. (He’s a night owl. He would stay up all night if I allowed him too). Then he came and gave a big hug and kiss. Then we both said our “I love you’s”. What a way to start the day!!

Then while in the shower, the song Let Go and Let God by Keith “Wonderboy” Johnson. I love that song. Well, while singing the lyrics I realized I was still “worrying over how the story was going to end” regarding my oldest son who is now living with his dad. All times I have attempted to spend time with my son has been thwarted by my ex-husband. I have been worrying on what affect this is going to have on our relationship (between me and my son) and also with his brother. Not only was that my concern but also how my ex was not picking up the youngest son to spend time with him or allow him to stay overnight sighting that he had to work. So upon singing the song I told myself, I am not following the song I am singing. I have to let go so that God can handle it. I trust in him and know that he’s got everything under control even if I cannot see it.

Then I sent Jordan off to school and got myself prepared for work. As I looked down at my phone I saw I had a text message from my aunt. So I read it and wow! I was floored and started crying, saying thank you to God because in her text she told me not to worry about my ex but to put him in god’s hands and leave him there. The message said to trust God because He is all we need and that he does not want us to worry. I could not agree more.

That message was perfectly timed! Not only was I trying to work out the situation with my children but I also got laid off from work and as of next week will be out of a job. There is a plan mapped out but it is still scary to know that I will not have a reliable source of income for awhile. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and standing on faith that all will be as it should be. What I need will be provided. Now this does not mean I will be sitting at home on my behind. No! I will be working hard on other things I have wanted to pursue but my efforts will be paying off and be blessed. I trust that they will exceed my expectations!!!

What did I do?

Have you ever sat back and asked the question “What did I do to cause this reaction?” regarding a situation or someone that just blew up at you? I know I have. I used to wonder why my ex-husband would get so angry at me for what seemed so small to me. I do not mean just yelling or not speaking to me. This is to the point of name calling, punching a whole in the wall, or even breaking something I treasured or that was of value in our home. It baffled me and also scared me. Not until I left the situation and started going to a support group did I understand that, granted I may have done something to upset my ex-husband but the reaction was not warranted. If we were mature adults we could have talked through the situation and been able to come to a resolution. However, that was not the case and it always boiled down to who was right and who was wrong. Most of the times I conceded as the wrongful party, since I could not deal with the harshness of his anger and wanted to make it all “go away”.

After deciding to leave my marriage for peace, I crossed my paths with other men who had similar ways of handling conflict. I was beginning to see a pattern and was wondering what I needed to do to change the attraction I was giving off that drew these same types of abusive men towards me. Recently, I found I had befriended a male that had the same tendencies but did not recognize the traits before becoming too involved. Due to there being no pursuit of a relationship on either part, my guard was down as I did not feel a need to be watchful. However, just because you are not pursuing a romantic relationship does not mean that friendships will not be abusive. “Friends” can take advantage of you as well, especially if they know your character, i.e. what it takes to appease you when they have done something wrong until the coast is clear and they can do their dirt again.

We had a confrontation that eventually erupted into us not speaking to each other. I kept wondering what I possibly had done to cause such a rift between my friend and I; similarly to how I used to sit and wonder what I did to make my ex-husband so angry at me. My support therapist noticed that I kept mentioning “I wonder what I did wrong”. She brought it to my attention and posed the question, “what makes you think you did something wrong?” After that question, I realized that I was going back to my married days of trying to figure out what I had done to “cause” my husband’s anger. I immediately was thinking this was something I caused singly without any participation from the other party. The blame was placed solely on my shoulders by me because I try so hard to be a pleasant person who has no issues with anyone.

I had to remember that no matter what I do, I will not always be someone’s friend. Someone will always have an issue with me and I will not always be liked because you cannot please all people all of the time. I had to be reminded of this because it was something I struggled with as a child. I struggled trying to please everyone and take care of everything. I wanted to help everyone that I could. Instead of knowing my own worth and having others prove they are worthy of being in my space, I was trying desperately to make them see I was worthy of their time, their love.

Since leaving my ex-husband I have come to see my worth. The value I contribute to this world is unique and wonderful. I do not need to fret or worry about someone not wanting to have anything to do with me, because not everyone is qualified to participate in the uniqueness that is me. All will not be able to appreciate who I am and the value I bring. Those that do will treasure it and not want to abuse my value as they realize it can be taken away. I realize I have that power to revoke the invitation to sample my value if not being treated as I should be. That feels so good knowing my worth. Do you know yours?

Maturity in Christ (Part 1)

You know for years I thought I was being a Christian because I loved God and believed that Jesus Christ died for my sins, read the bible occasionally and prayed. However, it was not until a few years back that I realized this was only the surface of what it means to be a Christian. I have found that I was considered a baby in Christ’s eyes, slow to learn if you will. Not because I was unable to grasp the concept or had a learning problem but because I only came to Him when I was in pain and needed Him. Just like a baby needs milk to “pacify” the hunger pain in its tummy so did I come to God, pray, and read the bible.

I did not practice all the principals listed in the elementary part of the bible (the Old Testament). I also was not as humble as I had envisioned myself being. If I kept to myself and did not bother anyone I believed that I was being a Christian. I was entirely and completely wrong. Everything in the world was a distraction to me, my husband, the kids’ behavior in school, and my job issues. I did not know what it meant to worship him. Sure, I went to church but I had no desire in my heart to LEARN about what more he required of me. That was scary for me because if I knew then I would have to act accordingly. Ignorance is bliss. I was giving lip service without realizing it. Hatred was in my heart for others which in the New Testament is likened to killing someone which in the 10 commandments (Old Testament teaching) commands not to do. I was judgmental in some instances toward others, which I had no right to do.

Recently a situation arose in my life after coming to terms that I was in need and wanting to draw closer to God. I was learning to pray every day and more than once a day. Diligently reading my Bible was my goal but I still would become distracted by issues or people that came into my life. I was made to deal with conflict where before I used to shy away from. Now, I am becoming more emboldened about handling issues that arise. Case in point, I had a friend or who I thought was a friend that I helped out. Our relationship soured in a matter of weeks without rhyme or reason. I still to this day do not know what caused the tension to mount where we were no longer on speaking terms but I remember that people come into our lives for a reason whether it’s seasonal or a lifetime. This was definitely seasonal. It hurt but helped me to see where I was weak in my character and how to handle conflict better. I am no longer as timid to voice my thoughts nor afraid to admit if I was wrong.

I also learned which battles to fight and which to walk away from. Today I walked away from the final battle with my “friend”. I was asking for something to be returned to me which was agreed upon would be returned. A few days passed without anything showing up or communication so I sent a nice reminder with a note that I will not bother them any longer about the item. In return I got a not so nice accusatory reply regarding my kids and myself. So of course I automatically became heated and was ready to rip a reply that was going to encourage the fire. But just this morning I had prayed on my spiritual maturity and asking God to help me grow in my maturity in him. So instead of responding returning the accusations, I bid farewell and blessings. Then I deleted all connection, i.e. phone, text, etc because there is no need to continue allowing negativity in your life. People come into our lives for a reason and that person’s time in my life had expired. I was happy at how I responded even though it would have felt good (REALLY GOOD) to argue back or even find a way to retaliate. I chose not to do so and now the anger that welled in my heart is subsiding.

End of a chapter

Okay so it is now December. My how the time flies by! I have been through some extreme highs and extreme lows. I have been hurt emotionally and romantically. I have learned some things about myself regarding my faults and weaknesses as well as my strengths. I have embraced who I am instead of turning a blind eye like I used to. I have also come to face some demons within my personality that I did not realize were lurking in the recesses of my spirit. Thankfully I choose to lean on God and not my own understanding.

One thing I have discovered along the way is that God is REALLY listening to me and is always providing for me whether I know I need it or not. My problem is sitting still long enough to wait for him to deliver on what I am inquiring about. You know when you realize you did something stupid after the fact and you slap your forehead and yell “duh!”? Well I’ve had QUITE a few of those moments this year. And I can guarantee you I will have some next year too, and the year after that, and so on and so forth. However, I have also had some phenomenal ideas where I sit back and say to myself “wow! Look at that. I did that?! That looks GRRRREAT!” The question is which do I dwell on or emphasize? The answer is both and neither. I say both because I learned from my “duh” moments on what not to do again or how to do it differently and as for my phenomenal moments I can look back and give God praise for blessing me with creativity and a problem-solving mind. But I also said neither because if you focus solely on your shortcomings or your genius moves then you will become stuck either in pitying yourself for what you did wrong or become narcissistic praising yourself for all that you did right forgetting that it was He that created you to have the capabilities to make those mastermind moves.

I make it my aim to tell myself daily that all I do, I do to bring glory and honor to God. Sometimes I forget and my actions do not always bring honor and glory to God but I am always thankful for His mercy and grace. Because with these I am able to stand up again after my falls and failures and try, try again. I love the song by Donnie McClurkin “We Fall Down”. The chorus line I love the most is “a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up”. We are all human and fall from grace daily but God knows our pitfalls but uses us anyway to carry out His grand purpose.

So reflect back on this year. Make note of your mess-ups and your beautiful mind at its best cranking out wonders for the betterment of all.  Learn from your mistakes and be thankful for that wonderful creativity that God blessed you with. Look forward to next year with goals in mind. And do not beat yourself up if you were not able to check EVERYTHING off of your list. Be glad that you were able to tackle SOMETHING!! Remember, Be blessed, Be YOU, and Shine your LIGHT on the world.

Synchronicity Part III July 30, 2010

Today I was delivered a letter from my HR representative whose last day was today. Upon opening and reading it, I began to tear up because it was a dedication to the people she held dear to her during her time here at Stiefel. I was one of them. I am thanking God for helping me to be profound to others and an inspiration. I then began to feel saddened because more people were moving out of my life.

I then went to my phone to make sure I had added her information to my Contacts and I had. But what I noticed was the fact that I had three different Elaines’ in my list. Then I thought about the personalities of them all and realized they were just sweet, loving, nurturing people. I can call on them when I need to talk about issues and they always have an encouraging word.

At that moment, I started going through the other people I know and have met in my life and realized that I had several groups of people with the same name and have found that they all exhibited the same characteristics of one another in each name group. The Davids I have found are women lovers and not wanting to stick to just one. The Jaime’s (all had a different way of spelling their name, hahaha) were all silly, rambunctious, no-nonsense, humorous people. I always enjoyed their company and we were ALWAYS inseparable until our paths parted. The Keisha’s (all with a different spelling as well) are feisty, loyal, smart women. They have been with me from the time we met. Always keeping in touch and lifting me up when I was down and going through a rough spot. But the exchange was often mutual, because when they had issues, I was there to return the favor. The Judys (some different spelling too, hahaha) are all tall, feisty, tell-it-like-it-is women. I love their candidness, strength, and poise. They always look good too! Dressed to the nine! Very seldom did I see them dress down (I mean jeans and sneakers).

Have you ever just sat back and took stock of who you know and how they impact your life? I never really paid much attention until this past year on how the people we allow in our lives affect us and what we do. But best believe I am paying close attention now. I have learned to watch for certain attributes in people which make me steer clear or draw close to them.

Perhaps I am reading too much into it, but it’s too coincidental that every time I meet someone that has the same name as others I know, they all have the same attributes. It is ironic … synchronistic.

6/15/10 Out of the ashes

Today would have been my 12-year wedding anniversary. Instead I am a little over 2 months freshly divorced and have almost a year and a half been separated from my ex-husband. In that time frame, I have learned so much about myself as to how I ended up marrying someone who really was not the best fit for me. I have also learned how I allowed certain people and things in my life that tore me down instead of lifting me up. I have also learned how to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Out of the death of my marriage and my old life I have found a renewed strength, a desire for life like never before, and an unprecedented gratitude towards all that I have at this very moment. I am no longer dissatisfied with what I have or where I am. I do still look toward the future in hopes of gaining more but the motives are different. I want to gain more so that I can do more to benefit others and magnify the Father and all His glory.

Out of the ashes I have become more than I was before. All that I was before has been recreated and made new:
I am a dreamer. I tried to make myself stop being that because for so long I was told that was a bad thing that I daydream too much. But now I see that as one of my many gifts. It is what God granted me as a way to make a difference in this world. We all have gifts and talents but not all of us use them. I know up until recently I was barely using mine. I was trying to conform to what others wanted or needed of me instead of being the best me I could be.

I am a mother. I love children. I hate seeing them abused and/or misused. I have to admit I am guilty of having said harsh things to my own children but I am not one to leave things undone. I realized my errors (by way of asking God to search my heart and show me what I needed to fix) and have made fervent efforts to not be negative or use negative language to discipline my children. I too have also learned that using harsh words does not inflict the necessary reactions needed in correcting their behaviors. I was once told that as a parent I do not need to apologize to my children if I wrong them. I disagree. My oldest has respected me more when I changed from that way of thinking and told him I was sorry for the way I acted towards him. We now have a better communication line and he knows that when I mean business to act and not allow the tensions to rise. My youngest has also started responding in a positive way to my changes in how I deal with them and with my own anger. We are all working on being polite and positive to each other all around. It is a task because of the background we came from where name calling, sarcasm, and physical punishment was the norm. But day by day we grow and mature.

I am a Christian. This has been my most daunting but amazing trial. Although I have always known of God and thought I knew what it meant to be a Christian, I have come to realize that I was FAR from what I needed to be or how I needed to think. I have learned so much regarding myself in this area. I am now choosing to walk WITH God and not just acknowledge Him or give Him lip service. It is a vast difference. I have noticed the difference in the amount of time I devote to learning about the Kingdom and what is expected of me as a Christian. I am also learning HOW to pass on that knowledge to my children instead of what I was doing before (thinking they would pick it up on their own by watching me). I am also not afraid now to talk about God to others whether they are in agreement with me or not. My fear of the unknown is slowly creeping away.

I am confident. No longer am I the shy girl that was quiet not knowing what to say, or afraid of being teased for saying the wrong thing. I want to interact with other people. I realized I am a natural leader and teacher. I have a unique way of relating to people. That is one of my gifts. I have been told I light up a room. Never before did I think of myself in that way. But it is even more evident now with my new sense of self. And it is by no means being haughty or prideful. I am VERY humble although it is the usual human tendency to say what about me. I have to keep pushing those thoughts away, because it is not about me but the Father who created me. I am insignificant without him. Any success I have would be nothing if not gained by His Grace.

So although my life is starkly different that what it used to be, I am VERY thankful for the way things have changed in my life. I have been reborn shiny and new…like a phoenix out of the ashes.

Being Loved Blog written 3/16/10

I am diligently working on changing my habits to be a better person in Christ who strengthens me. I love Jehovah God and how He has just shown me his love. I love how Christ has surrounded me with love (not just from my children, family, or friends) and shown me that I am part of the congregation that is his bride. I am respected and loved for who I am. It is a good feeling to know this. It is the kind of love I was missing when I grew up without a father in the home. Some women and men have fathers in their home growing up and still miss out on this kind of love.

I no longer feel anxiety when I have not heard from my friend like I used to feel. I am confident in Christ that I am loved. Whether he is there to be with me or not, I am happy because I trust in God’s purpose for me. I know that he has something stored up just for me. I believe my friend was sent to me for a reason. I don’t know if he was for a season, or my lifetime. I am hoping he is for a lifetime. But if he was just to show me what I can have in a mate I can only imagine what that person is going to be like.

However, I must not allow anyone or thing to come in place of me worshipping God. I believe I had resorted to doing just that. I was slipping away from giving God all of my attention and giving it to my friend. I would think about him all the time when I should have been thinking about my heavenly Father. I would get angry when I hadn’t heard from him and then resort to thinking negatively. So in revelation, I was giving my worship to a relationship that hadn’t really developed yet. I am thankful to God for showing me the error of my ways. I just hope it hasn’t cost me some time out of the relationship I was supposed to have.

In closing I wonder how many of you are completely in love with yourself AND God. I don’t mean a narcissistic type love for you either or acknowledging that God IS. I mean a genuine understanding of you and your shortcomings as well as the talents and gifts that you are blessed with. And with that do you honor the creator who made you and give honor to him when you are performing with your gifts and talents?  Or do you say look at what "I" did or have done?

Roadblocks blog written 3/16/10

Ok so I decided that I needed to host a mini weight loss workshop since everyone keeps asking me about how I lost the weight and what am I doing. Well I happened to tell my idea to a fellow co-worker/friend who said I should try and get the library to sponsor my workshop. I thought wow that’s a great idea then I can do this regularly and eventually get paid for this. So I finally call (after dragging my feet since Friday) to see if I can get the sponsorship and they told me I needed to have credentials and come in and introduce myself that I am qualified to teach this, not to mention that the schedule has been set for the next 3 months for all workshops. Frustrated? Yes. What was I going to do next since my plan was thwarted? I went with my plan A which was to reserve one of the tutoring rooms to host my lecture series. I am now set to speak on March 30. I pray that God is with me on this endeavor and that I speak from Him and not of my own accord.

In the meantime, I was thinking about what to do about the time between now and when the sponsorships open up. Perhaps I can become a certified Life Coach. That way I will have my credentials. I have a BS in Chemistry. Why not add something else to the educational achievements? I do want to go back to school. Time for some research!

I am allowing God to work in me to break down these walls and take away my fear of rejection. That may be what my block is. Fear of being rejected. I asked God after my last session to reveal within me what was holding me back from accomplishing the goals that I have been working towards. I have a habit of starting things but not finishing them. At first I thought it was a fear of failure or success that was holding me back. However, I realize it is a fear of being rejected. I am able to accomplish things and be successful at it so it can not be that I fear success. I also believe a fear of failure may play a part in me procrastinating.

I challenge you to take a deep earnest look at yourself. Ask yourself have you achieved the dreams and goals in your life? If not, what is stopping you? Write down all the excuses why you haven’t accomplished your goals. Then, disregard all that you have written down and dig deeper because those are not the real reasons, that’s why I called them excuses. That’s just what came to the top of your head as far as what you have allowed to come in the way of accomplishing your dreams. The real reason is a fear of SOMETHING. What is it? Can you break free from it? YES! I know because I am doing the same thing. Breaking free from my bondage and breaking through to a new me!

Blog 5/27/10 Who are you connected to?

I just finished watching a blog by Connectionaire on Shanel Cooper-Sykes’ youtube page and I was thinking about all the things that I have NOT changed in my life yet. You are reflected by the people you hang around the most. They asked the question, who are the 5 people that you hang with the most? If you want to be rich and successful then you need to change your surroundings. If your friends are broke or not at the level you’re trying to climb to, chances are you’re that way too.

Well I know for one, I am trying to lift myself to a higher status. I have Christian friends that are in business for themselves and are doing very well.  I have recently friended a designer who has her own boutique and is doing fashion shows for which I am a model. She is aiming high and so am I. Now, I am planning on continuing climbing to the top. I do not plan on stopping now. I have realized that I really do not hang around too many people. I visit with my family every Sunday but I am not with just any one person. Also, when it comes to my friends I do not go and hang around them much either. I visit here and there if I am invited to events. Right now I am a loner. I’m focusing on getting my business off the ground and helping to develop my children so that they will be successful, well-educated, Christian black men.

As for a dating life, I do not have one. I let that go after realizing that I was aiming low and ended up getting hurt in the process. I am looking to start over fresh after I have been single and lived on my own for a little bit. I see now that it is time to release the men that have been trying to get into my life because they are not adding value to my life. I do not see a future with them so I need to let them know that and keep on moving. I have still been acting like a nice girl not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings but on the inside saying “nope, not gonna happen”. I need to get BEASTY about what I want from life and come to terms with WHY I do not see anything developing between us. It’s time to take that final step of breaking free from certain fears that still have a hold on me. If I hurt someone’s feelings, I am truly sorry but I really need to focus on doing what is best for me right now, not anyone else. Because no one can do a better job of being me than me. So I ask you, what are you trying to attain and are the people around you reflecting that goal?

Blog 03/09/10 Self-Perception

What is your self-perception? Do you have a clear and positive image of yourself? Are you confident in ALL that you do? Do you seek the approval of others? How do you view love?

Well, I recently came to the realization that I was still burying pain from long, long ago. I thought that my newfound happiness and freedom were what was needed to boost me past all that hurt, pain, and frustration. I also thought the newfound possible life partner I believe God directed to me was a sure sign I was ready. I for the longest had suffered from not having confidence in myself and being extremely shy. I am now more outgoing and outspoken than I used to be.

However, I am still struggling with the negative thoughts that come to my mind like: “I can’t do this”, “I wish I could…”, or “I am not able to finish because….” Deep down I know that I can accomplish these things but I psyche myself out negatively. Sometimes when I need to fill out applications that seem daunting, I procrastinate on completing them because it “appears” time consuming. I allow myself to be defeated before I even start.

I also found that from long ago I sought out the approval of others as a form of love. My assumption was if they approved of me then they loved me. I would avoid conflict with a passion. That is the main reason why my ex-husband has been able to get away with all of the stuff he has gotten away with.

It all stemmed from not having the consistent love I desired from my mother and father. I essentially grew up by myself with siblings who didn’t know me.  They now my characteristics but not what makes me tick.  I am now coming into my own understanding of whom I am, where I came from, and where I am going. I am now appreciating my life lessons and coming to terms with the way I grew up. It was a hard road coming to the realization that something in me was still broken. But I am thankful to God for revealing the part in me that still needed to be cut (or circumcised as the Israelites did at Gilgal in Joshua Ch. 5).

With this realization I can now be true to myself especially with the feelings I was experiencing when I was ready to share my love with someone and was not getting the feedback I wanted. I would be sitting there wondering why the people I wanted to love did not want to love me and why I was attracting these negative thinking people who seemed to bring me down and drain my energy. I stayed away from most of those people and cut ties with them. However, I didn’t TELL them I was cutting ties. I just stopped calling and gave the excuse that I was extremely busy and have not had time to chat. I mean this in part was true. I am EXTREMELY busy with activities for the boys and getting myself together. But I could pick up the phone and call people if I need to or remembered to.

I believe now I can continue to love myself and the boys and allow a genuine love to grow and not worry if I will run my friend away with my quirks. Honestly, if my quirks run him away then it was not meant to be in the first place. I can sit back and evaluate my life in a manner that scrutinizes the negativity and relish in the positive. I am happy to be able to court and have a deep love mature and grow with him. I did not want to rush into anything or try to make something happen because “I” felt like it was the thing to do like I did with my ex-husband. I want to take my time and allow things to progress naturally with God working behind it, in front of it, and through it. My place is to be obedient to His direction and Will because I love God and want to be pleasing to Him.

I am about to embark on a new journey in the land of Juanica. There are places never before seen. I am revisiting places that have long ago been forgotten or that I have recently visited but didn’t observe all there was to see. I am so excited to be breaking through to the new me. What a time I am going to have!!! I am already having a great time experiencing some of the depths of understanding that were hidden before. My eyes are no longer shut wide open but OPEN WIDE. I have a new discernment of myself and of God and His desires for me that I had never experienced.

I hope and pray that I continue to grow from these revelations and to gain new ones. I am working on no longer being afraid of others and their opinions of me. That is one of the items I am circumcising from my life. I went through an outward transformation as well as a superficial inward transformation last year. Now I am tackling a deeper subcutaneous inward transformation. God is reconfiguring me even more. This year I definitely am BREAKING THROUGH TO A NEW ME!

Blog 3/3/10 Adversity

Well I feel as if I have hit a brick wall. Right now I am constantly telling myself positive sayings to keep me from being negative. Oh this funk is hitting me really hard. First my apartment that I thought was God working in my favor crashed. I cannot move in on the weekend I was slated to move. If I still want to move to the apartment complex I will have to move in April; an entire month AFTER I was supposed to vacate this one. I don’t know what to do especially when I called to see if I could extend my lease an extra month. They told me my apartment was already rented and the only way for me to stay is to extend my lease for an entire year. I really do not want to stay here. I want to go somewhere that I do not have to worry about parking or anyone getting their car towed away. I also do not want to have to deal with the mold any longer. I have tried and tried to get rid of that crappy stuff and it’s not working. I feel it is mostly due to the fact that there was mold already in the windows when I moved in. I documented it on the move-in sheet. I just hope they don’t try to say I did it.

Also I haven’t spoken to my friend in over a week (heard his voice). It’s going on 2 weeks since I last seen him. I was able to text message with him on Thursday but nothing much since then. I am trying to stop sending him messages because he hasn’t been able to talk to me. I didn’t communicate at all yesterday and then I gave in and sent a message today. Tomorrow I will do better. I will not send any messages because it will only make me more frustrated. I understand that he is in the field but I talked to him more when he was overseas than since he came home. I don’t understand it. I am trying my best to not think negatively. I am saying positive things to myself but it is difficult for me to stay motivated and not walk away. Even though the potential to be his wife is out there, I am not sure I can handle being a military wife. Not having communication for days at a time is not cool. I can honestly say I don’t like that AT ALL. What keeps me holding on is that he is such a nice guy and when he can talk he does his best to have open communication even if it’s for few minutes. Not to mention we get along REALLY well and think on the same accord on many things including the important things like religion and money. Now I need to ask the other questions to make sure we are in accord on the main topics of discussion.

On top of that my baby is really going through it missing his dad. He doesn’t like him and says he’s mean because he doesn’t call or pick them up. I have stopped making excuses for him to the boys. I guess in a way I was supporting his actions. I am no longer. I really dislike for my kids to be suffering the way they are due to their dad’s negligence. I really want to legally cut out his participation with them so that they will not have to endure the disappointment day-in and day-out.

My confidant is leaving. Jaimie sold her house and is leaving towards the end of March. I am happy for her but I am going to miss her. I knew this time was coming but I was hoping it would come later than sooner.
She was my best friend here at work.  We did EVERYTHING together when we first started working here.

Blog 11/24/10 Dreams

I have had several dreams that stuck with me so vividly when I woke up that I wrote them down. Now in each of these dreams except for one, I was a successful business woman, very well-educated, well-respected and loved. But above all God was working through me to bring people closer to Him.

So what was the point of these dreams? I need to be directing people to God by being a witness for Him and His son Jesus Christ. Where is this going? I believe I am going to be a great influence to assist people dealing with heavy issues to help them heal and look towards God for guidance. What did these dreams mean about who I am? I believe they are saying that I have so much strength and poise, very persuasive, a strong believer in God and able to comfort others when upset. What about who I have been? Well to tell the truth I was not realizing the potential God designed me to achieve. I was in a rut. I was depressed, unhappy, overweight, felt like I was not worth anything. I was questioning my worth and why anyone valued me if they did. I didn’t like myself and I was trying to be a matriarch for my family. My life was a disaster and I was crying out to God for a change. Now with that said who am I becoming? I believe God is refining me to be someone greater than I was; someone that will affect people facing hardships to learn about God and to love Him or to renew their dwindling faith in Him.

He has put in me so many ideas but always it comes down to how can I use that idea to praise God? How can I use the service I am providing to honor God? I have thought long and hard about which avenue I should pursue. The modeling? The restaurant? The shoe/clothing line? Dance? Graduate School? It seems right now God is asking me to focus on the children but is giving me the opportunity to model at the same time. I thought I was supposed to go to Grad school right now but He is showing me now is not the time. I had too much on my plate to be able to focus and study like I needed to. My home was not in order. I am starting to get organized and on track. I am Following On Course Until Successful (FOCUS). I believe that once I get some things in alignment with what God is asking of me then the rest will come. So I have to stay focused and determined to stay on my path and not stray by trying to figure out things that I just need to be patient and wait on God to deliver especially since I have no control over them.

Do you have dreams and if so have some of them been manifested or is your sleep full of nightmares? I used to have those to which meant I was stressed in my waking life pressing the pain and frustration down and burying them deep inside while they were manifesting themselves in my dream state causing me not to have ANY restful sleep.  Pay attention to your dreams it is your spirit and God speaking to you.

5/10/10 Gossip

The word gossip can cause so much havoc in people’s lives yet we still continue to do it. I don’t think many believe that they are doing wrong by what they do. I have been the victim of gossip many, many times. And at some instances I have been guilty of gossip myself. However, I learned lessons from it and make an effort to refrain from doing so. It can be very daunting at times especially when we as women are so emotional and love to communicate. I have found that I am worried about if what I am saying will get back to that person then I know I am partaking in gossip. Then it is up to me to correct what I am doing.

I have felt a need to declare some things to certain people in my life but have not done so because I was unsure if they would be receptive to what I had to say. So instead I have discussed my feelings about things to others. Mostly trying to see if what I am observing is valid and how to go about talking to that person about their behaviors or actions. But what good is it doing the person that is in the wrong or heading down a negative direction by me NOT telling them and only telling others? Not a thing. It is not benefiting them one bit. Therefore it is gossip.

However, after reading my morning scriptures and lessons for today, I realize that there are going to be people in this world that will have hardened hearts and deaf ears to the warnings we give to them. But we as Christians must deliver that message. I like the analogy provided this morning of a friend that is blindfolded headed for a 300-ft drop. Would we stand by and just allow that friend to continue walking on that cliff or will we try fervently with all our power to stop that friend and remove the blindfold from their eyes for them to see the danger that lay ahead of them? And not only does that analogy pertain to Gossip but any thing that they may be doing that will cause them ruin in the end.

On my vision board I have “Speak the Truth in Love”. That is what I must fall on about telling others about the issues surrounding them. Just like warning the friend of the 300ft drop, I must lovingly tell my people that I care about that the way they are walking is treacherous and will cause them pain in the end. But I don’t have to beat it into them or forcefully try to make them see my point (i.e. arguing with them.). However, I don’t need to be whispering the warning either so low that they can barely hear me. I must speak loud and clear enough for them to hear the warning and understand what is being said. Therefore, the guilt of their demise will not lie upon my heart because they were warned.

So in final: speak the truth in love and we as women (and some men) need to refrain from gossiping about others, for it is sinful. But lift each other up and encourage one another. As Christ commanded in Matthew 22:39 …,’Love your neighbor as yourself’.

Poem: My Friend written Jan 10, 2010

we met, connected and became friends or so I thought

you expressed an interest and I was in awe

could it be true? I gave chase and saw

we became friends and love was born or so I thought

love grew and a seed was created

born from our dying love that we decided should not be abated

But there were signs along the way

that told me to RUN! RUN VERY FAR AWAY!

I didn't listen didn't heed, didn't yield

the abuse began, my friendship was killed

you said you were sorry.

i forgave you again and again in a hurry.

i tried to forget but the wounds weren't allowed to heal

Over the years I started to act like you. What's the deal?

because I lost sight of me

it was easy for you to control me

i tried to get her back and you laughed and made fun

He said, "She's trying to find "herself" can you believe that hun?"

I heard him say to her. But I said no! I know who I am! Strong and sound!

She was lost but now I'm found!

I need to rebuild her, make her stronger!

I need to be my own friend in order to be in this relationship any longer.

Again with the laughter. Again with the mocking

More tears I cried, together but alone, sitting and rocking

I said our friendship was lost many years ago lover

Let's be friends again. Let's start over.

"Ha! We've been married all this time and you want to be just friends"

No dear that is the foundation that we need if you want to me to stay til the end.

Refusal, denial, and joking all ensued.

You don't want to be my friend so we are through

I see you already have given your friendship to another.

I see I am funding your lifestyle. Leave me! Why bother?

Well let's see how well you can swim without THIS lifepreserver. PEACE!!! I'M OUT!



Picking up the pieces to continue on my journey of being my best friend.

I introduced myself. Hello me! Hello self! Hello I! Do you all want to be my friend?

They answered with a resounding YES!!! GIRL, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?!?!?!

Synchronicites written 11/23/09

So I started reading this book I bought last week titled “There Are No Accidents ~ Synchronicity and the Stories of Our Lives” by Robert H. Hopcke. As I am reading this book I start to evaluate the times in my life that something profoundly coincidental (well for me nothing is coincidental) has happened. Synchronicity in the book in simple definition is explained as a meaningful coincidence.

The times that stick out for me all happened within the last 2 years. My life has had a dramatic change since 2006. It all started to manifest when I had this foreboding feeling in the pit of my stomach like something dreadful was about to happen. (Mind you I was at a job I didn’t like, my marriage was rocky, and father-in-law had just passed.) But I could not put my finger on WHAT was the reason for this feeling. I already was expecting the passing of my in-law which had happened. I already had in mind that I wanted to leave my husband because he was emotionally and verbally abusive and I was at my wits end ready to walk away but unsure how and worried about the ramifications of this step. So if I was already prepared for some things what was the feeling I was anticipating and why did I have it so STRONGLY?

A sequence of events slowly started unfolding that lead to a big emotional storm that lasted from 2007 until earlier this year when I rose above the situation surrounding me. The storm is still raging but I feel as if I am in the center or the “eye” of the hurricane. The strength of the storm is weakening as I am nearing the time to file for my divorce but let me tell you if it weren’t for the way things happened; I think I would have been a lost soul. Below is a list of my “coincidences” that dramatically changed my life.

1. I was getting my hair done in 2006 and was choosing a book to read while sitting under the dryer. My hand skimmed several of the books and doubled back to a title that caught my attention. “The Me I Knew I Could Be” by Crystal Phillips – This book started my journey into self esteem and self love (which I had none). Ironically the story of the author strongly resonated with they way I grew up and how I was living at the time.

2. After reading the book I was so ready to get out of my job and leave my husband but didn’t want to seem like I was giving up a good job without having something lined up yet or quitting on my marriage albeit as horrible as it was (which to me marriage was sacred and needed work in order for it to last) later was let go from my job in Jan 2008 and eventually found out my husband was cheating on me since 2007 (of which I had suspicions about at the onset). Both headaches were released from me allowing me to be free to BE me and live life happily.

3. After getting let go from my job, within 1 week I got dozens of calls for a job but 1 hired me on the spot after interviewing for 8 minutes OVER THE PHONE!

4. After working at this temporary job I met someone that would affect the rest of my life. We became fast friends while working at our temporary job only to find out we had applied to the same job in January, interviewed and got hired for the same position which they opened up and allowed a second position to come in. So we started the same day in the same department sitting right next to each other. She became my best friend and helped me through my ordeal with my ex-husband.

Now I have had this overwhelming feeling of insurmountable excitement and happiness that is coming my way. I again don’t know what is about to transpire but I have been acting on dreams that have presented themselves over the years since 2007. I have always been an intuitive person but didn’t always listen to my intuition. The times I did led to great success or results that were very beneficial. The times I didn’t had me saying “LISTEN TO THAT VOICE OR FEELING NEXT TIME!” So we will see what great things are in store!

Mothers

As Mother’s day approaches, I find myself thinking of how I have been as a mother to my kids. I know I have done some things that were not to their benefit but I can honestly say in the last year I have put them first in my decisions and my ambitions. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be selfish by wanting to do something for myself but ultimately I am worrying for them and trying to make sure that anything I do does not have a negative impact on them.

I have seen some of my actions that were hurting them and immediately took stock of whether it was that important for me to continue with what I was participating in at their expense. I have found that it is not. My job is to mother them first and foremost. Then I can pursue things for myself. I have learned that being a mother is not just providing for their material and nutritional needs but it is also a nurturing process. I AM their role model. I don’t need to look to anyone else for them to look to for a positive influence.

As I was talking to a friend last night about her relationship with her child it struck me so profoundly what I had been discussing in counseling. They initially told me and also throughout therapy that I need to be the pack leader for my boys. Because the Alpha male is missing in their lives, I had to step in and be that for them. I was not ready for that task and wanted a man to assume that role as it should have been. But God led me to see that they NEEDED me to do this for them because they were lost. If I waited for a suitable male to come in or for their father to actually step up to fulfill his duty, it will be too late.

It all starts with me, the mother. The molding and shaping of how my children will deal with life; it all starts with me. Like the baby ducks mimic their mamas so the children imitate the examples provided for them. However, there are some special cases where there are special people in their lives that step in to help in the molding process and give them alternative paths to choose. Some positive and some negative. Thankfully for me I had the positive influences in my life. So pulling upon those experiences I am transforming yet again to be a better mother, and person overall. I want to be the leader that they can look to and see how to handle life. I want to be that pillar of strength for them in their time of need. I want to be that lighthouse beacon in the storm guiding them along the shore. Because I know that God’s light is shining through me I believe I will succeed.

I pray that you too are that ray of light for your children or some special child in your life (niece, nephew, relative, friend, etc.). Step in and provide a positive path for that child to follow and a beacon of strength to draw upon as they grow and mature into an adult. Happy mother’s day!!!

Too Nice

I wonder why ladies tend to ignore the “nice guy” because he cherishes the woman he is with by showering her with love and kindness but fight over the guy who a) doesn’t give them the time of day; or b) dogs them out by disrespecting them and not acknowledging their worth.
I have to admit I was one of those ladies. Even in high school when a good friend of mine tried to hook me up with a fellow class mate that was and still is one of the sweetest guys I know but I didn’t want to give him the time of day. Since then I regretted not giving him a chance because then I would have known what it was like to be treated like a Lady; be respected, doted upon, and my worth acknowledged.

It took me some time to recognize my own worth going from bad relationship to bad marriage. But I had to come to terms with WHY I was attracting all the negative which in turn led me to STOP attracting the ignorant, thuggish, bamas. I am an intelligient, beautiful, respected woman that deserves a “nice guy” who realizes my worth and wants to be a part my future because it is going to be a glorious one.

I had to learn where the hurt was coming from that I would allow people like that in my life. You are always in control of HOW someone treats you. If you are being disrespected you can always turn that around and not necessarily by fighting either. Now sometimes we come across the path of ignorant people who only know one way of handling disputes (with violence). But we women that love ourselves and use our minds know how to handle things diplomatically without having to lift a finger or break a nail. That is what distinguishes a female as a Lady or Real Woman.

So if you meet a man and you automatically say, “I can’t date him because he’s too nice.” Stop and ask yourself what DO you want in a man? Someone who is going to debate with you about everything? Pick a fight with you every now and then? Someone who’s going to hurt your feelings? To me that is a manipulator, user, and abuser. Stop and think about the person you are and then think about your weaknesses. That is what you should look for in a man. Look for someone who can be strong where you are weak and vice versa. I know that is what I am searching for! All the nice guys stand up and give yourselves a pat on the back and thank your mama (and your dad if you had one) for bringing you up right!!!

Synchronicity Part II? written 2/26/10

Okay so I was about to renew my lease in January. How about the day I am in the office signing or rather preparing to sign the lease My youngest has an accident and wets himself forcing me to leave without completing the renewal. Overnight the rental car I was using gets towed. (I had a rental because I turned in my car for repair from the accident I had in December which also developed the morning I was going in to renew my lease.) That was the last straw for me. I determined at that point that I was moving. That day I started looking at apartments to move to and found several I was interested in. However, 2 weeks passed before I actually went to view any apartments, partly because of weather and partly because of procrastination. I was worried that I would have to pay a large deposit since my credit was sub par due to the separation. So the weekend of the 2nd week I decided Monday morning at lunch I am going to go ahead and visit an apartment. I get there and love the place but I would have had to sign an application that day for move-in by the 1st week of March, which I was not going to do. (I mean why break my lease a few weeks early and get penalized?) 

So the lady starts telling me about other properties they have which one I had already requested information for. So she calls up the other place for me to see if they have anything available and they do. They had the 1st floor like I wanted and to top things off I will be paying $150 less than where I currently am!  Plus, the apartment was going to be available the weekend I needed to move out. I was SOOOOO excited. I could not believe my ears. Not to mention I fell in love with the apartment layout I once we got inside. So that was my 1st major synchronistic event of the year.
Then in February I had my bankruptcy hearing and was informed that my car could be included in the bankruptcy. So now I wouldn’t have to pay so much out of pocket. And once they petitioned to allow me to do that the payment I had already made would still go toward the balance owed for lawyer’s fees instead of to the car dealer. So I would finish paying early. I calculated that I can double up my payments and be done with the bankruptcy around the same time my lease is up at the new apartment. Just a coincidence, no I don’t think so.

Finally my friend tells me yesterday that he is being transferred to Oklahoma for two years. I was devastated. But he informed me that he would be coming back and forth. So I told him once he gets his house I will have to take a vacation out there to visit. Hopefully by then my ex will have resumed picking up the boys every other weekend. 

But something was nagging at me to ask him if he ever wanted to get married and he said yes one day but at the end of his message he stated that he’s sure I’m done with that. I was like whoa!!  Is he saying he would want to marry me?  So I assured him that I loved being married but that I was just with the wrong person. Then I asked if he was saying that I could potentially be someone he’d marry and he replied back “I think so”. Oh my goodness!!! Here I am holding back feelings I have for this man because I haven’t told him how I feel and tp see that he feels the same way.  Wow!  All I could say to myself was “Awww!” My heart just melted away at the response. I couldn’t think of anything to say that was sufficient for what he just wrote me so all I wrote back was "I’m flattered and appreciative. I would be honored."  What kind of crap is that? I am so freaking corny sometimes it is ridiculous.

I had already planned to tell him the next time I talked with him how I felt for him which I should have done when he came down here last Friday. But all week I didn’t get a call nor did I get through when I called. So we only were able to text this week. And I was not about to text him that. I would rather say it in person. He’s supposed to come down here tomorrow. So hopefully we'll be able to talk about the serious stuff.

But the final synchronistic thing is that I looked into the location of Fort Sill in case we do get married someday and I decide to move there. It’s a dual city with Lawton, Oklahoma like Raleigh-Durham. I said to myself, “No way!!!!” This is synchronistic to me because in 2007 when my ex and I moved his mother out there we looked at the area and decided it was a nice place to live or at least own a home out there to vacation. The houses and land out there are dirt cheap. Of course I would be ready to move back home as soon as his stint was over at Fort Sill but I think he would be ready as well because of his boys and family back here in NC. But I couldn’t believe it! What were the chances of the one place I have been in Oklahoma is the place where he will be stationed?

Everything happens for a reason. I can’t see it at the time it happens but I do believe there is a reason for it. The car accident I had in December has been of benenfit to me although at the time I was devastated about it. My car being towed prompted me to look for a different place to live. Right now I am going through pain and suffering from oral surgery which was needed due to a fluke with faulty equipment. I can’t see the benefit of this now but I know God needed me to go through this for a reason. I am praising him any way because I didn’t have to pay for any of the procedures.

The past that haunts written 2/23/10

It’s funny how every time I think I am over my past something comes and shows me that it is still affecting me to this very day. Today I had my counseling session and the question was asked what am I looking for out of the counseling?   What do I want help with?  I told them my temper in regards to JC and the boys. So to answer this series of questions we went through an exercise to find the underlying cause of the anger.

Q: What was I angry about?
A: When Jordan says “I want my daddy”, after I have disciplined him.

Q: How does that make you feel?
A: Resentful because he doesn’t participate in their lives. I am doing all of this for them (Jordan and Cevi) and it’s like a slap in the face.

Q: So you feel rejected?
A: Yes.

Q: How long have you felt like this?
A: Pretty much all my life.

Q: Why?

And of course that is when I went into the whole story of my biological father not wanting to participate in my life and then how my stepfather left me out of his life which made me feel abandoned.

I have made great strides in getting past all of that hurt and pain where it doesn’t rip a gaping hole in my heart again whenever it is mentioned but I still felt a tear well up in my eyes as we talked about the subject. That right there is part of the reason I have been through the things I have gone through in regards to my choice in men and how I viewed myself and my achievements. I wanted them to be so proud of me that they would want to be a part of my life and regret how they treated me. I at least got the apology from my biological dad earlier last year but have not received that closure from my stepdad.  I am so glad that I am getting this counseling.  It has been a tremendous help every session in pinpointing issues that are still hidden within my mind that I was not ready to confront yet.

I used to wonder why God blessed me with boys instead of girls. I believe I know the answer now. I could easily love a girl because I was one but also I realized that I still fear males. Deep down I didn’t want to face the rejection again. I got rejected by my fathers, my husband, at some point I feel a little rejected by my children but only when it comes to them and dealings with their dad. I know I don’t need a man to validate me but I still crave for that special attention, that reassurance that I am all that and a bag of chips. I am honestly thankful of the situation between my friend and I.  I am able to confront my demon since he is not around so much and I have space and time to heal without it affecting us. I am growing stronger and confident during his absence. I am neither so needy now nor “obsessed”. I am glad for the day I don’t hear from him because I am so busy that I don’t have time to sit and chat with him. God is wonderful. He sends me a great guy in my path  in a way that I get to see what a gentleman is like but is not interfereing or overwhelming as God continues working on me. At the same time He is working through my healing to help other women.  Boy, when I am finally healed what a glorious time it will be!

Guilt feelings and Perserverance written 2/22/10

I should be sleeping by now as it is almost 12:30 in the morning but I could not close my eyes without first writing about the message God sent to me today. I am in awe as to how that played out but I know God works in ways unknown to us but always on time.

The first message I received today was about guilt feelings. There are several kinds. The first is the guilty feeling from your conscience when you have done something against God’s word or law (which we should have). The second is guilty feelings we have when we haven’t done anything wrong but we feel guilty about the action (these we shouldn’t have). Ironically, today I found out that Cevi fractured his arm yesterday when he fell off the bike at Grandma’s. I immediately started regretting allowing him to play outside with his cousin and then feeling guilty about going over Grandma’s in the first place when all Cevi wanted to do was stay home and watch the movie Starstruck. He even offered to cook if we didn’t leave. Then I switched to beating myself up for not taking him to the doctor yesterday when he first hurt himself. While I was showering and contemplating about the day, the words coming from the speaker on the radio program I was listening to this afternoon popped in my head. At that instant, I had an A-ha moment. God led my spirit to turn to the AM stations and flip through them causing me to land on the spot where the speaker was talking about these guilt feelings and how people try to use those to manipulate others or their situations. I am so thankful that my reception of listening to God’s Holy Spirit is getting clearer. I probably would have been worried to death all night if it had not been for the lessons and messages I have received today.

The other message was about perseverance. I have been diligently reading and learning God’s word and allowing it to penetrate my heart and become in tune with every fiber of my being. At first when I tried to read this passage at the urgent care center, I could not take it in. The boys were making so much noise and being so rambunctious that I could not concentrate on the words. So when I got home and read the passage again, it all made much more sense. It was talking about waiting on God. I have learned so many lessons this past year about patience and it being a virtue. It was definitely something I was lacking in quite a few areas of my life but every day I draw closer to being more patient and understanding. I am happier with my kids. They don’t stress me as often as they used to. We are having a better communicative relationship although they still test the waters. God has truly been working on us as a family unit. I am so thankful for that. Be still and know that I am God! Whew. Still in awe!

Procrastination written 2/21/10

The quote for Feb 21 (today) in my book “My Utmost for His Highest” by Oswald Chambers, was speaking on being used by God. At the end of the passage it reads: “ …we become overly concerned about the way we walk and talk and look, out of fear of offending God. …but perfect love casts out fear…(1 Joh 4:18) once we are surrendered to God. … Once we are totally surrendered to God, He will work through us all the time.” I was compelled today to call a distant relative after reading this passage as well as the entire chapter of 1 John 4. I called to see how she was doing and ended up talking for hours to her. It was great. I ministered to her. I felt lifted myself. Laughed about the kids. Heard stories about her past. I was glad I listened to God on the inclination I should call her. Now if I can just stop procrastinating and get motivated to pick up the business book and start looking into getting some funding for this restaurant. I received my taxes this weekend so I have a little loot ready. I also applied for a modeling job in Charlotte this coming up weekend. So the income from that should be very helpful because I am a money magnet! Money flows to me freely and in abundance! We are going to be ready for this business venture! I feel God working in me and through me. I have already put aside the procrastination for the application of the kids at Maureen Joy. I enrolled them online tonight. Thankfully, I listened to the spirit when it was telling me to go onto the website instead of filling out the applications on paper. However, I didn’t listen this morning when I first got the instinct to check the website. LOL! I am still learning to just go with that intuition because that is God speaking to me!! I need to be more obedient.

Gratitude written 2/16/10

I had oral surgery today because of a botched root canal. I was hesitant to get this procedure done back when it was first recommended because I was afraid. Now 6 months later I am finally beginning the process. Unfortunately, if had I completed this process when I was first instructed that I would need to do this I would be getting prepared to have the implant and crown put in place instead of at the start. Alas, fear of the unknown; PROCRASTINATION, the cousin of fear. I am thankful now for having done this procedure because it is over with for the most part.

I had a counseling session yesterday and during the session it was made known to me that I am still being passive aggressive with the kids and with my ex as I am still allowing him to be a controlling manipulative jerk by coming to see the children at school instead of picking them up. I trust and believe that God will work through me to get the needed help we all need so that we may have peace in our home.

This time out of work due to my surgery and with the kids being in school has proven to be the much needed time of reflection I needed to be able to read God’s word and hear his direction. I am thankful for all of His timing including the words spoken to me by a church member. I am thankful for the people in my life (family and friends) that have prayed for me and are taking care of the things that I needed. I am thankful for the words of advice. I am especially thankful for the gift provided by Elaine during Christmas. That book has been profound in helping me develop spiritually.

I am thankful that I saw I was allowing myself to idolize the idea of being in a relationship and not focusing on God. I still have strong feelings for him but I have not been clamoring for him like I was. I know that God is the bigger ticket and that I need to focus on Him; not stress over my career, the kids, the restaurant, the modeling, me moving. None of that matters. Only HE matters. If I focus on Him, everything else will fall into place because His Holy Spirit will guide me where I need to be and what I need to do to gain all those things I mentioned above and then some. Thank you, God, for being so gracious and merciful. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and sending me little nudges. I thank you for me being able to hear although sometimes I hear him after he has placed me in darkness because I was not listening before hand. At least I am listening instead of waiting 10 years hoping things would get better instead of acting to make things better.

So what are you thankful for?

Distractions written 2/01/10

I have been so focused on my goals but as of late a distraction has come in and flipped my life upside down. Well several distractions really. The first is that my ex is not picking up the kids even though he is in town. He visits them while they’re in school and only for a few minutes. I am going to ask the school to see what I can do to limit him from doing this. It causes so much confusion and animosity. I had to hold my baby (he's 4) while he was crying his eyes out because his daddy won’t pick him up. I keep forgetting how strong I really am. I was the matriarch in my home. I took care of so much and was not appreciated for it, much like at my old job. I had so many responsibilities there but they constantly told me I wasn’t good enough to be promoted. I was beaten down and trying so hard to prove that I was worthy. Not to mention that I lacked confidence in my own abilities and was so stressed I faultered in areas I knew I was competent in. My husband did the same thing. Just beat me down emotionally and all my ambitions he tried to talk me out of doing because he didn’t want me to realize my potential.

I did soooo much at home and then I was beating myself up because I could not keep my home clean the way I wanted it to look nor maintain control over my kids’ behaviors when they were in school. They had no fear of me or their dad. Well there was some from Cevi but none for Jordan. Our home was chaotic at best.

Now, I am focusing on accomplishing some dreams that God wants me to pursue and I am so excited for them. Unfortunately, I was allowing my longing for a lasting relationship to cloud my thinking and focus. My attention was being diverted because I was trying to “help” my love life come around. I was trying to cause things to be the way I want them to be but I had forgotten that I need to wait on God’s timing. He will make things work according to how I am ready to handle them. Or it may be the other person who is not able to handle it yet.

I have to remember it is not just around my circumstances that things will unfold but other people’s circumstances are in play as well. It brings to mind the story by Pastor Jim Laffoon regarding the baby (John the Baptist) promised to Elizabeth and Zechariah. They were barren for so long even though they were righteous people. But Mary who was supposed to birth Jesus was not ready to bear children and also up to a certain point wasn’t even born yet. That sermon helps put me in place sometimes when I get too anxious about things. I need to listen to it again to help me stay focused.

I guess the reason why I am so distracted by the relationship thing is that I met a really nice guy who has all the qualities I am looking for and a great personality that I vibe well with. My kids have met him and like him as well. Just the timing is horrible. He lives over an hour away so it’s not very easy to visit with him. So my patience has and is being put to the test. One thing I have to remember is that it’s only been a month or a little over a month since meeting him in person (we chatted several months before he came home from fighting overseas). I guess I was expecting it to be instant. I was only thinking of myself and being selfish by not thinking of his situation or circumstances that he is facing.

I must realize that I am a special lady and any one will be VERY fortunate to have me in their life. And I am not being haughty just recognizing my worth. I also must realize that if I put other things ahead of my assigned goals by God that it will not work or there will be unneccesary heartache. Or worse I will lose sight of my goals and not hear the Holy Spirit directing or guiding me. And I definitely don’t need that to happen.